• Allegra Helems

    Great Blogpost Thanks for sharing.

  • Donna

    The article focuses a lot on the child being left out as someone who invites this kind of behavior. I take great concern over this thought process. If you watch kids, some are just mean and really like to control their environment. This speaks very loudly towards the problem of bullying in schools and how educators handle these issues. The wait and see approach. The looking to the victim as the problem. I would really like to see a person answer these issues with compassion and not detachment. Almost always the problem is with the child doing the excluding. Grant it these young children need help navigating the waters of personal interactions but please first address the offender not the offended.

  • Jennifer

    Hi, I’m currently a preschool teacher and I’m in my 2nd year of teaching.

    I have girl student that tends to leave certain kids out and blame others. Let’s call her Ally. She’s currently 4 years old.

    Ally and Andrew have been friends since early preschool. Ally likes to be in charge and Andrew doesn’t mind following since Ally is the older one. They both moved to the same classroom again for preschool. This time a new classmate comes in. Let’s call her Avery.

    Avery and Andrew become very good friends because they both speak Chinese. At times Andrew and Avery will only converse in Chinese and play together. Ally wants to play too and although Andrew and Avery does not exclude Ally and says she can join Ally is upset because they don’t play the way she wants to play.

    After a few weeks. Ally, Avery and Andrew are great friends. Now Ally is excluding Andrew from play. Ally will say, “Andrew can’t play with us because he’s not a dragon.” or “Those are my blocks, not for you Andrew.” “If you don’t play like this, I won’t give you any jellys.”and even “I hate you Andrew, you’re not my friend.”

    I’m very concern with Ally’s behavior towards Andrew. She loves play with Avery and doesn’t like sharing her friend with him. She would push Andrew out of line when he’s line up behind Avery. (Avery and Andrew line up early while Ally is last to line up. I direct Ally to the back.)

    Ally also likes to lie a lot. She’ll include some truth but in the end the lies she tells her mother comes back to me. For example, Ally would be running on the playground and will collide with a friend on the play ground. She moves on to play for 1 minute or two and then will tell me , “Edward hit me.” and cry. (She’s really good at fake crying). I’d have to correct her and say, “No, Edward didn’t hit you. You both ran into each other. It was an accident. You are fine.” After she hears me say that she’ll immediately stop crying and move on.

    There are other times where she’ll say her friend kicked her in the face or put water on her hair when no such thing had happened. Like she stood too close to the a friend climbing up on the ladder and was accidentally brushed with his foot or a friend put a lego on her head and she would tell me its water.

    What concerns me about the lying is that she goes home and tells her mother that this friend scratched her or hit her. Sometimes I am unsure if it’s the truth or not. Most of the time I would tell the parent, “you child didn’t tell me when it happened” or “I’ll talk to the other child in the morning to ask”. It’s gotten to the point where there’s a specific friend she’s always blaming.

    Her parents are also very permissive. They allow her to do whatever she wants. When she throws tantrums and cries. The parents always end up giving her what she wants without a fight. I understand that this is their first child and they don’t want to be too strict, but it’s causing behavior problems at school. The parents make me look like the bad guy when I don’t give her what she wants.

    Sorry for the rant. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’ve communicated with the parent over and over again what their child is doing, however they just deny that their child could ever be so mean to another child.

    What can I do to stop the exclusion? I’ve tried talking to Andrew and telling him, “if a friend isn’t nice to you, then find another friend that will be nice.” But, he still really wants to play with Ally.

  • Erica

    My 4 year old son plays with a little girl who’s our neighbor and the same age as him and they play ok most of the time but when her sister who’s a year older is outside playing as well, she and her sister will be playing and will exclude my son most of the time telling him that he can’t play with them and that to get away and even give him dirty looks it’s mostly the older girl though and most of the time will only play with him because he has a toy (or toys) that they want to play with. I am concerned because they have brought my son to tears, what should I do?

  • Echo Spangler

    My 5 year old little girl and two neighborhood little girls always come play. Mine and one are both 5 the other is 4 and is a little slower many times they fight but my little girl and her friend were mean to the 4 year old. I teach her about thing and she is very good, I never thought she would be so mean. The two were taking pictures and the little one asked for her turn. They said and made it to where the little one couldn’t even sit. I walked in a she was almost crying. How do I teach and also show her how it feels to be mean and let out because she never has been left out or been made to feel how she made the little girl feel.
    Are there any videos that I can watch with her to show and teach what she did was wrong and it makes them sad and feel left out?
    My little girl lives to play with everyone, especially ones who are different. She knows that the little boy in her class with one arm had no friends and made fun of and she knows that she is his friend and when no one plays with him she does. She is not afraid of being made fun of for it, and he is different but that doesn’t matter he is still just a little boy. I’ve taught her that special needs kids are no different than her and even if they use a wheel chair or can’t talk anything she knows if they don’t have a friend or is sad from others being mean she goes and plays or talks no matter what the other kids say. I don’t know why she did it to this little girl , other than the two sisters but they always play side by side no matter what. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had any problem with her leaving out and being mean too any other child before this.

  • Jay

    Hi,

    I have a “problem” with my almost 5 year old son. He just started kindergarten in September, before he was full time in daycare. There he made friends and with one he was particularly close (also lives in our building). Both of them happen to go to the same school now and are even in the same class. Both where so happy about that but recently my son is excluding the other boy because he found another friend from Grade 1. This boy tells my son not to sit with his other friend on the bus (all three also take the same bus to school and are in the same after-school-daycare class). My daughter goes to the same school, she’s in grade 2 and she told me that the boy from grade 1 always bosses around my son and tells him what to do and not to do and that my son just does it. I must admit I hate hearing that. Of course I’m happy when he makes more friends and I don’t mind if he has friends which are in higher grades. That can even be beneficial but this grade 1 kid is no good. Often when I pick up my kids from daycare I notice that grade-1-kid is in trouble because of some stuff he did/said.
    Today, when I brought my kids to the bus, grad-1-kid was there too and immediately my son ran towards him, ignoring his “former” friend who lives in our building and is in his class. The bus lady (she makes sure that kids from our building get safely into the bus ^_^ ) came to me and asked me, very nicely, if I could talk to my son and have him sit beside his former friend. He always keeps a spot free for my son but he always goes and sits with grade-1-kid….. Further did the bus-lady tell me that his “former” friend then starts to cry because he wanted to sit with my son. When I heard that it totally broke my hear. I like the boy from our building. He was wild at the beginning but kindergarten calmed him down *haha* Often, when I pick up my kids, I see this boy sitting at the table, by himself, eating his left over snacks he wasn’t abele to eat at school.
    So, this morning I did call to my son and when he came I told him that I would like him to sit beside is other friend (their are actually also bus buddies, arranged like this by the school so no kids sits alone). Then grade-1-kid came and said that HE tells him to sit with HIM and not with the other boy. I was really very upset, he practically admitted that he’s bossing around my son. Since I was so upset I told grade-1-kid (in a mommy like tone LOL) that I want my son to sit with his other friend, that they are bus buddies and it was set like this by the school. Today I will learn from the bus lady if my son and his “former” friend actually sat together.
    I really want my son to be sociable, that’s a great skill, but I would really hat it if he becomes a follower and does what ever he’s been told by other kids, particularly older kids who take advantage of a younger child.
    Any ideas how I could best explain this to an almost 5 year old boy who’s very stubborn and short tempered? LOL

    Thanks in advance.

    ~Jay~

  • candy gantt

    My 7 year old is being bullied by another 7 year old if this other 7 year old is not in charge then he doesn’t want to play with him or he will tell another kid if you play with Devon your not my friend. This other kid will show no respect to any person including an adult and if you talk to the parent they just say my kid doesn’t lie even though several parents in the neigborhood has brought it to their attention they just say he feeds of negativity. This kid is contantly trying to get my child in trouble then I found out he is on medicine. He pinches, hits, and calls others name what can I do to protect my child. His parents seem not to notice his bad behavior it’s sad when my child is happy he can’t play with him anymore and some of the other parents are worried about their children as well playing with him. If this child is caught red handed by another adult doing something and we confront the parents they will ask their child if he did it and he will say no and they just say well he said he didn’t do it. How should I handle this I know I don’t want to go off on the parents but I am about to because this child is physically hurting my child I want to call the police, but not sure what they will do to a 7 year old.

  • Tractari auto Bucuresti

    There is certainly a great deal to know about this issue. I love all of the points you made.

  • Sarah

    My kid is is in an extracurricular activity where all of the other children, except for one, are in school with her (the other kid is from another school); My kid has a very strong personality and she is the leader type and doesn’t want this particular girl in the group, nor to sit with her… I did ask the person in charge and she said the kid hasn’t done anything to my daughter for her not to want her around; so if there is no motive other than the kid being an “outsider” for not being in school with my child, then there is a clique problem and my kid is the “Regina George” …last time all the kids took a photo together and the “outsider girl” didn’t take it with them… I don’t know what to do, other than have a conversation with my daughter today that it isn’t pretty to leave other kids out .. Also I know from personal experience how terrible it feels to be left out by the rest of the group and to be bullied just for being the “different” one, and I think my kid might be able to see the other kid’s perspective if I tell her what was my experience as a non-popular girl when I was a kid… hope it works!

  • anon

    My 5 year old is very strong willed and abstract in her thinking so comes across as very different from her peers. She has now given up on school friends as has been consistently told by peers she cannot play with them and as now started to play with her shadow and make believe friends as well as count butterflies. She is an independent sole who I have enrolled in ballet, athletics, swimming and music to try and provide her with social groups. She participates well and enjoys them. She has two brothers older and younger than her who is she is able to play games with at home. I am worried about her and am open have always been open with the other parents about my concern about her exclusion from friends. She is happy to go to school and has accepted her role to be alone but is this ok? Should I talk to the school about strategies or leave her to be in her own world without the friendship of her classmates?

  • Sally

    My 10 Yr old has this consistent problem with 1 girl who at times becomes her very good friend and then starts ignoring her. She is playing with my child’s feeling. How do I deal with this please please help? Also she talks behind my child’s back to n e one who is trying to be friend with my child.

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  • sonali laschever

    Another really helpful article that I can put into play immediately. Thank you MOtherCompany!