Joseph Grennell8 years ago

Well remember each day is the opportunity to start a fresh approach. if it is not working then try something new , different and you will get there in the end.
I work with disturbed children from all sorts of terrible backgrounds and intense children, with ADHD, Autism, Emotional and Behavioural issues.
I use The Nurtured Heart Approach, Solution Focused CBT and simple love, empathy and understanding.
Focus on every small occasion to praise the child for being ok or good. Even if it is only washing their hands I say, ” I like the way you washed your hands all by yourself , it show me how independent you are becoming”. Little authentic and heartfelt praise will gradually build up the child confidence and self esteem. Focus on what the child is doing that is worthy of recognition and that is most things but not bad behaviour.
Ignore the bad behaviour however immediately positively comment on neutral or positive behaviour no matter how small.
Fire fighting children for every little bit of unacceptable behaviour leads to a cycle of frustration and anger for you both.
Children learn so much from adults who recognise their attempts to be good and praise them for trying. Over time you will create a new cycle of describing and praising that will develop the child’s self esteem and love.
So discard the critical approach to behaviour management and demonstrate your ability to recognise the best in your child.

Joseph Grennell. Child Psychologist . Child Psychotherapist

F&M8 years ago

I have a 4year old and he has this thing where he gets upset and mimics (repeats) me or anyone.who upsets him and it’s starting to really annoy me and embarrass me..because it just tells me and shows me he.don’t.have.that respect for an adult and me.as his mother I was putting him in the corner for awhile but that didn’t work at all I tried talkin to him about how that’s not nice it’s rude and mean, ugly to do that to people especially to me..he just stares at me with a upset blank kind of look and then when I walk away he cries. .like if he’s a baby a 1yr old. .I just don’t know.what else to really do but to ignore him and have his dad deal with him but he does the same to him as well. .his.dad baby’s him a lot and I try to tell him to not do that because I feel like by him doing that it’s making our 4yr old just act out like he’ll mock us and.others and when we go to correct him on it he cries like a baby and I just don’t see for any reason he cries the way he does. And screams every once in awhile. .it gets me so upset and weak. .

F&M8 years ago

Hi..I’m a mother of 3 kids my oldest is 6 years old (daughter) and my second is 5(boy) and 3rd kid is 4years old
The 4year old is the.main one I have more trouble with he likes to mock a lot & acts bratty as in a baby most of the time it’s him acting like a.big ol baby. .and I don’t baby him so idk where he gets off thinking he he a baby, other than that I just need spoke ad on how can I stop the mimicking he does to not only me bit others too and him not being understanding I know he is only 4 and.he’s not gna understand a lot of things but I think he shld understand some simple things like when he wants something and I tell him me and daddy don’t have enough money to get that rite now to get you that when we get more money will come back and see if only you listen and not throw a fit..he’ll be ok for a min then see something else like if it’s gna change what I just said. .idk I hope I make sence. I just want the mimicking to stop and his neatness as in being rude.

Cortney8 years ago

I need help!!!!!!

I have a 3 and a 6 year old. Both girls , the oldest comes from a broken home. With mental abuse and other forms of abuse. That I am currently seeking help for threw community out reach. Well with the 6 year old. She is blatently disrespectful. She cannot handle being in school longer than an hour. She deliberately peels the paint off my walls while in time out. Colors on the walls knowing that it is wrong. She gos potty on my floors. Puts wax from candles on t.vs. an much much more. I have tried everything to positive posters Charts. Taking away toys an making her earn them back. I have reached out to her school they keep telling me that the school is way under staffed an low funded to have her there all day…. An now my 3 year old is picking up such behavioral issues. An I am at my wits end I need advice or a direction I can go to help me help her.

Abbie8 years ago

Cortney,
How overwhelming! You need some help! We hear you. If you are parenting a child who has been abused and is showing signs of deeply disturbing behavior as you are describing, please please get her AND you some support from a therapist. (And many there are therapists offered at a variety of prices.) We wish we could solve everything in this response but it isn’t possible. This will take some time and some learning on your part to help your children become more cooperative and respectful and respect will never happen with time-outs and punitive parenting (like taking toys away). Your girls are clearly in desperate need of your attention and they are getting it in a negative way – and it sounds like you’ve tried many things. If you can at least start with online resources around positive parenting, that will be a good start. The library will offer some books too – but you need more support than that. Read my response above to Julia, read our posts on discipline, defiance, positive parenting (and more) and get some professional help. It takes a village – but a village of wise, supportive people who can work with you and this situation before it gets worse. Because without help, that’s where it is heading. Good luck.

Julia9 years ago

I just have to comment here! My daughter is ….spirited. Born the year this article was written.

She is 50% a super sweet, kind child. The other 50%, she is as willfull and defiant as they come. I feel like no one tells this girl what to do. To get her to go along with me, I have to make her want to do it. Time out is a joke. “You are excused from the table” as the article suggests? No way. If she doesn’t want to leave the table there is no making her without a huge huge fiight and being forceful. She asks me a question, I answer and before I can even get all the words out I am told to “stop talking”. I’m constantly being told to “go away” and to “leave me alone”. She tells me she is going to hit me if I don’t stop doing something she does not like. We have spanked her a handful of times and apparently she has latched onto our occasional threat of a spanking about once a week. Of course she has. She takes our lowest moments as parents, and then throws them back in our faces as a reminder of what a crap job we are doing. She literally orders me around all day and if I don’t do exactly what she wants, in the way she wants it done, she tell me we will have to “start all over”. Sometimes I will comply just to get out of the door, sometimes I won’t and again HUGE fit. Tantrum, screaming. We are still working on potty training and again, huge nightmare. She would rather just go in her pants. She only thing that works is awarding her or bribing her to go, but she will never just go of her own accord in our house. In fact she will hold her #2’s for a week or longer so at this point I am just happy if she goes in her pants at all. Needless to say she is a defiant, spirited child who will fight tooth and nail over the smallest most. insignificant details. Apparently they are important to her for some reason. Just venting here.

How on earth do you make any child do anything??? Praise doesn’t seem to work. I praise her constantly when she does right and acts sweet. I’m just tired of punishing her for all the rest. She is her own woman and it will serve her well one day, she is just really hard to parent. Today she had to make her own waffles. I couldn’t help her at all. She had to get the plate and knife out of the drawer, get the toaster out and hoist it up in the counter, get the waffles out of the freezer, get the butter and syrup out, cook the waffles, put butter and syrup ON them (cringe) bring them to the table. She has to do it ALL including pouring juice and I’m just dying inside watching her do this. She spills sometimes, I clean it up. Huge tantrum if she can’t do it all her self and that is only breakfast.

I’m in the verge of getting some psychological help. This girl has me perplexed. My degree is in Child Psychology too! Oh the irony.

Abbie8 years ago

Julia,
I’m not sure where to start! From what you describe, clearly you are not in control of your (sounds like very young) child and your skills as a parent and knowledge from your degree in Child Psychology are completely unravelling. I’m so sorry! It sounds just awful for you both.

First of all, stop spanking. That will only make things worse, drive you apart, sever any trust and spanking is a desperate measure to be avoided.

You need to arm yourself with effective parenting skills instead! Sounds like you need some coaching on creating and maintaining consistent boundaries. Look for parenting lectures and classes. At the very least, get the book “Parenting without Power Struggles” or “Calmer Easier Happier Parenting” and crack them open asap. As her parent, you have to be in charge. Once you’ve read these books, start to use their advice and expect some tantrums (just ride those storms out as unpleasant as they are) as you start to assert control over the situation – she will certainly be curious to test her NEW boundaries.

Your daughter is feels very out of control with the unlimited power you’ve given her. I know it is counter-intuitive but the more you give in, the more difficult she will be. So read those books and for now:

1. Your daughter is not allowed to “order you around” or talk to you in a disrespectful way by saying “Go away” – you can coach her to ask for some time alone if that’s what she wants but you can’t respond to rude requests. Model the good behavior you want from her.
2. Don’t make potty training a power struggle – which it sounds like it has become. First things first, regain control of your daughter’s schedule, language, and some of her defiant behavior. Then tackle this. You can say, “I’ve noticed that sometimes you forget you aren’t wearing a diaper. I am wondering if we should try pull ups for a little longer.” (I don’t know your daughter’s age or how long you’ve been working on this but I’m assuming around age 3?) If she is three, developmentally is when she is most defiant. All the more reason to read those books!
3. Stop bribing her – it gives her the control. You might want to transition to a sticker chart which works for some kids to REWARD good behavior. Number a paper 1-10 and put boxes where the stickers will go. Let her know ahead of time what she can earn stickers for to win a prize (you can start with inexpensive books or toys – but work towards experiences with you – like going to the pumpkin patch etc). She can win stickers for cooperating by getting her jammies on with you only asking once. Or for being patient and polite by staying at the table. Or for being sharing during a playdate. Or for being cooperative at the store. Don’t use the chart ever to punish her. (And don’t give her stickers unless she really deserved them.)
4. Stop praising her “constantly” as it may seem insincere. Especially if that praise is “good job” but instead comment on the values you want her to have as you see them. “I noticed you were so patient just now,” (and resist the “Good job” ending to that.)

Children need to feel attached to their parents and secure in that connection. So the last thing you might want to do is “special time” – put away your phone, turn off the TV, and just “be” with her – for 15-20 minutes daily to play. Let her choose what she’d like to play, games, tea set, blocks, puzzles – up to her. Set a timer (especially since she has trouble with boundaries) and just play for that time, uninterrupted.
At the end of that time, let her know you love spending time with her but now its time for you to get dinner (or whatever) ready and she can read her books or continue playing. Monitor the amount of her TV, sleep and eating too to make sure those aren’t also contributing to her behavior.

And good luck. Parenting is hard – but it should be enjoyable too. As soon as you right this ship, you – and she – will be so much happier. And in control.

Bryzeida10 years ago

My daughter is 4 turning 5 in march. She is a good girl at school and with my parents. But when it comes to us her mom and dad she talks back and even sounds like she’s talking to a kid not a parent with respect. If she doesn’t like a food forr example she will say I’m not gonna eat that. Or if I tell her don’t turn the tv on until you eat dinner. She will say “I’m going to turn the tv on upstairs and eat a lollipop and not eat dinner. She still throws tantrums if I compliment other kids at her school or her dad she jumps right in the middle and says my daddy. She is an only child so I feel that has a lot to do with it. But I feel she treats us like we are her siblings more than her parents .

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RobertT11 years ago

The one thing that works is a swift smack on the rear. It can’t be a regular occurrence and it should never be the default punishment, but despite what modern liberal parenting advocates say, it works. Its worked for thousands of years. The plain and simple truth is there is nowhere near enough disciplining of children today. It’s all about feelings and caressing their egos. That has created a generation or two of selfish little monsters.

Betsy Brown Braun11 years ago

Spanking or not spanking, to my mind, has nothing to do with liberal parenting. (And how I agree with you that parenting today seems too often to go to one extreme or the other–overparenting or underparenting.) Parents who spank often are the ones who cannot come up with more effective and meaningful consequences. It is a desperate default that doesn’t work. Yes, the behavior may stop, but it is usually temporary and this misbehavior will surface elsewhere. Parenting out of fear is not a healthy way to raise children. And parents who claim that they turned out okay even though they were spanked are not remembering how it felt and how they felt at the time.Children learn and grow (behave) when they are parented with respect, consistency, clarity, limits, boundaries, and love. Physically hurting a child is none of those.

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Tracey – JustAnotherMommyBlog13 years ago

Walk away, walk away, walk away. Remain the adult and do not stoop to their level of brattiness (no matter how tempting it may be!)

Matt Steiner – Launch Education13 years ago

Such awesome, practical advice. I can especially identify with the bit about “I hate you,” reactions. Betsy, please keep these interviews coming!

despina landers13 years ago

Thanks for the BBB wisdom! I found myself nodding along as i read the article…it’s as if Betsy were here at home with us and our 5 year old! I now feel more confident and know what I need to do.

Jacki13 years ago

This is the best information I’ve heard yet! Great to know and can’t wait to put it to use today.

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Christina Simon13 years ago

Betsy’s information is always so helpful. She really puts things in perspective! Thank you for this interview!