• Teresa

    I would like to correct the assumption that having one child means that it is an ONLY child. Some people think that the word ONLY means LONELY. I would rather call my son a single child. My husband and I decided to have a single child 43 years ago, and he is one of the most well balanced and happy people that we could have ever created. He has never missed not having a sibling and we never missed not having another child. Our family was complete the moment he was born. Yes, we got a lot of slack in the early years after he was born, but since then, everyone we know sees that we made the right decision for us.So, never doubt yourselves, and if you really feel that having a single child is right for you, then stick to your convictions.

  • Tami Friedkin

    Hi
    I wanted to comment on the only child issue. Not to be mean, but so many people are just not intelligent and don’t think things through. For people who say “It is rude or mean or selfish to not have more than one child for the sake of your little boy” there is nothing more false than that. I grew up as a middle girl with two brothers. The older brother was mean and abusive and the younger brother had his own issues, 7 years younger and it did not help me at all having siblings. In fact it made my life more painful. What brings happiness and well adjustment is love and kindness and caring. Wether it is s one person family, two person or 15 person family. Love, kindness, caring and good communication, those are the ingredients fir a healthy happy person. Don’t get sucked into the ignorance or such silly comments that people say about having one child. I wish my parents just had me so I could have had a more peaceful and happy life. It’s never the number, it’s the quality of people around you.

  • judy

    I have 1 child who is 27 years old. I never even imagined having 2 children. I am the youngest child and one of the younger cousins on both sides.I babysat as a teen maybe twice and didn’t like it.As someone told me once, I’m just not a “kid” person. For me the choice was always between one and none. I was 24 years old when my son was born and almost immediately people started asking when (not if) I was going to have more kids! I adore my son and loved not having to split my time between multiple children. I get overwhelmed easily by multiple stimuli and organization is not my strong suit. I enjoy alone time more than most especially reading. So I had my tubes tied at age 25 (had to bug my OB/GYN to death about it until he gave it) and never looked back. I think God must have been telling me something because it was the best decision that I ever made. It turned out that my son had severe developmental disabilities which were not evident until he was a toddler
    and I was at increased risk for having another affected child. It would have been unmanageable. My son had a wonderful childhood full of field trips with Mom,going to the zoo,beach, amusement parks etc. Because he remained toddler-like and required hands-on constant supervision his childhood would have been severely limited if I had younger children. I also learned that it is entirely possible to love your own child like crazy and still not really care for children as a whole. No thanks, I cannot babysit for you this weekend! LOL!

  • Jessica

    Thank you for writing this article. I have a 16 month old daughter. Before we got pregnant we decided that this would be our one and only child. I have been criticized so harshly by a family member (who is a mother of 5 boys-one of which was adopted). She does not understand my choice and says that i should not be so selfish. I have really been struggling with her words, it is good to know i am not the only one who feels this way.

  • NANCY

    THANKYOU! you make me feel normal 🙂 my daughter is 4 and just started kindergarten and i still can’t stop crying… literally… i’m trying to find an article that could help me with that cuz i’m “overly” emotional over having my one and only child start school and me letting her go somewhere i’m not present!

  • Nancy

    My husband and I had one child by choice. It was wonderful until he married. Our daughter in law doesn’t care for us. Her family dominates. We raised him to always spend equal time between families when he married. I would seriously give people advice that if they have a boy they might consider having another child. It seems that having girls as an only child does not raise the same problems. I never would have dreamed that would be a reason not to have an only child.

  • Dee

    Thank you for sticking up for all of us that chooses to have one child. This was BRILLIANT. As an only child married to an only child we are happy to have an only child.

  • michelle

    thankyou for putting down in words what I confront nearly every day..and my daughter is 4. I too have been called cruel, evil, etc.. having one is great. more opportunities for them and tine devoted to them my daughter is a confident all rounder. proud to be done at one!

  • Sharice

    Thank you so much for this article! I often question my decision to stop at one, and the effects it will have on my child. This article is very encouraging and reassuring, and I’m glad to know there are others in my shoes and it is ok!

  • Aly

    Halla-freakin-lujah! My husband and I have been through a second trimester miscarriage, a stillborn at 38 weeks, and now have a 9 month old perfect daughter. I’m told all the time how I don’t know what I really want (when I tell someone I’m “one and done”). I’m so incredibly thankful and blessed to have my Elleigh, but pregnancy wasn’t fun for me physically or emotionally. Sometimes I just wish people would be happy for what we have –and they are..sometimes they just need to shut it!

  • Allison Bruce

    Thankyou so much for an objective and respectful expression about choosing what works for one’s family. Im an only child in my late 30’s and a few weeks away from giving birth to my first child. Truth is when I was growing up I never missed a sibling since my mom made sure cousins and neighbors were included in my life (swimming lessons and family trips). As an adult I did miss a sibling only when both my parents were ill at the same time and felt overwhelmed but still, even in large families not all of the kids are devoted to their parents as adults, fortunately relatives and neighbors always lendme a hand. Given my age, finances and experiences, its highly probable that my daughter will be a happy and strong only child. 🙂

  • Gab

    I’m rather delayed but thanks for a wonderful read! After giving birth to my daughter (and a horrific labor), I vowed that I would never, ever, EVER go through that again. About 3 years later when all of my friends were up to the socially acceptable “2 kids” (and my two older siblings had 4 kids each), the pressure was definitely on and the questions about our next child started and seemed to be more hard-pressing and way too often. I also received comments that I was lazy and selfish and hints that being a stay at home mother of 1 wasn’t the same as being a “real” mother. For me, this then made me doubt our decision and feel a constant guilt for my daughter being an only child and me not returning to work, which led to us deciding that we would try for another child. After 2 years of semi-trying (on and off due to the heartache of continuously seeing a negative result), I still carry this guilt but am trying to reassure/convince myself that my daughter is perfectly fine as an only child and our family is still a family regardless of the number of children we have. The biggest problem I currently face is that I am the middle child of 5 daughters and growing up we often spent time with other large families so I am VERY familiar with how things operate in big families… but I have no idea of how things work with just the one child.

  • Gems from my Instapaper Backlog | nerd.is

    […] Choosing To Have An Only Child – Thank you Heidi Lindelof for putting this out there. For the first ten years with my wife, all people asked was when we would have a baby. For the last year, they all just ask when we’re having another. We haven’t decided for sure, but it’s nice to see at least one person saying one may be the perfect number. […]

  • Alex

    This has been the best article I have read in a while about having an only child. What made it so powerful is the fact that YOU are an only child. It is very validating to read about an only child who LOVED it. When I was deciding whether to have a second child, I solicited the opinions of a bunch of friends and co-workers who are only children. All of them said they really enjoyed their childhood except ONE person. For whatever reason, the one person stood out in my mind, which is ridiculous. Her parents went through a divorce, which was rough on her. I could see how that could negatively impact her only-child status. I have decided to stick with my one child, and, like you, we are a very happy threesome. No one has ever said I would damage my child, but I have read comments in articles like this about how those of us who choose to have one are damaging our children. To me, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse damage a child. Neglect damages a child. But not giving your child a sibling? Give me a break.

  • Laurie

    This article is wonderful and affirming. Among folks who take the work of parenting seriously, who are doing their best…it seems absurd to parse individual decisions – made with love – as somehow ‘make or break.’ The finish line is so very far away, after all… and we’re all giving the journey everything we’ve got.

    Maybe anxiety emerges among loving and well-intentioned parents BECAUSE everyone is trying so hard. If we’re all doing our best, we cling to one thing we hope will make our child particularly safe from whatever difficulty we fear awaits in the big world.

    Meanwhile, we’re forgetting that all of this loving parenting will result in an adult individual with opinions, who is likely to regard all of this over-thinking as antiquated, and tease us about our anxious “2012 parenting.”

    If we’re doing it right, that is.

    Frankly, I’m too pooped, nervous about what I’m doing and skeptical about parenting dogma in general to inventory the status of the sleep, breastfeeding, family traditions, foreskins, time-outs or number of siblings the children of my friends and peers have or don’t have or…whatever. I figure we’re all jittery now and then, some disguise insecurity with absolute certainty, others openly act jittery. We’re all just doing our best and nobody’s fooling anyone anyway.

    I love my friends’ kids… I know they are in good hands. Don’t we all?

  • A great article about only children « momma yogi

    […] http://www.themotherco.com/2012/07/choosing-to-have-an-only-child/ […]

  • Student Mom (Jenn)

    I cheated. My husband came with two. We then had one. One of my boys lives with us and the other lives elsewhere, and our little girl lives at home with us too. The boys are adults (mostly) so although the Bunny isn’t an only child, she may as well be. But we’re happy. And happy is what counts. PS – I’m African too… well… white South African…. but African none the less, and I’m happy with just the one baby…

  • Raising an Only Child

    […] This is part 2 of a series on Raising Only Children […]

  • Another Heidi

    I’d also like to offer another perspective. Some of us only have one child because we tried to have a second and discovered that we couldn’t.

    In both cases, it’s nobody’s business why we have one child. We’re so very thankful and grateful to have the child we do have, now that we know how difficult it can be to even have one at all.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Dana

    Heidi-
    Thanks for sharing your story! I think that like your friend from Africa, we all look and compare (try on) the lives of others through our own experience/values/lenses. When this occurs for our family (don’t you want a girl, do you miss work, you are/aren’t vaccinating?) I choose to to educate from our perspective rather than feel judged. Thanks for broadening our view!

  • naomi berkel raponi

    CHEERS!!!!

  • Brian

    “All that I must do is what concerns me, not what the people think.” Ralph Waldo Emerson: Self Reliance

    I always go to this quote when I mistakingly allow others’ assumptions to make me feel any hint of inferiority to the masses.

    “Be who you are and go all the way.” Thoreau

    Basically, people just need to mind their own business…

  • Dawn

    Amen, sister! Great piece and it looks like a number of moms found it helpful. Thanks for sharing…

  • Hope Slepak

    Your article…Beautifully expressed, brilliantly written, and such a personal and important family decision which sounds well thought out, and perfect for your lives.
    Well done…I support and love you and your family! xo

  • Sarah

    Great article, Heidi! Also, thank you for introducing me to The Mother Co.! XO

  • Anika Kohon

    This is a lovely article, and I applaud Heidi for sharing her experience. I am an only child myself and feel very complete and loved. I was often made to feel different growing up in the midwest in the 80s because everyone I knew had siblings, but being “different” has served me well in life. What people fail to realize is that the way THEY live their lives is not the “only” way to do it. Only children are fine, thank you. Even though my parents were never able to conceive another child and endured many heartbreaking years of fertility treatments (all the while being asked invasive questions by strangers about why they didn’t have a second), I will very likely CHOOSE to have only one child myself.

  • Elizabeth Flora Ross

    Becoming a mother at the age of 40, my husband and I felt it best to be grateful for our beautiful, healthy daughter and leave well enough alone. I usually shut the questioners up by reminding them of how old I am and the risk associated with having babies at my age. But I resent that anybody feels it is her business.

    There are many proven, documented benefits to having one child. I don’t understand why there is so much stigma surrounding it. Thank you for this piece. It is very insightful.

  • Brian

    Heidi,

    My wife and I are in the same situation–we’re two only children who have and will have just one child. When friends (or strangers!) ask us why, I reply, “cuz 1 + 1 = 1”.

  • Stacy

    great article–glad I am not the only one who wants one.

  • Kandis

    Okay, now that I have adequately dried the tears from my [luckily inexpensive] keypad, let me first say, THANK YOU!!

    This subject has been a point of contention for me and the hubs from the moment we knew we were going to start a family. I had always made it clear to him that I only wanted one child, but he truly hoped and believed I would want more once our son arrived. Aside from our seven-year difference in age, early menopause for me a year ago finally extinguished any lingering ray of hope for more biological children.

    We both come from relatively big families and while I absolutely love having a brother and sister, my Mom is an only child and always told me there were wonderful benefits to that as well. I always dreaded the day that my son would ask for a baby brother or sister, and alas that day came about a year ago. He has brought it up maybe five times since then. And each time I am racked with guilt. And each time the wound is re-opened between me and my husband, which inevitably leads to hideous tension. [sigh] It’s a major topic of discussion in our marriage counseling and one with which we can hopefully come to some sort of resolve.

    Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how much this gorgeously-written piece touched me on a very personal level. Despite having to contend with often obnoxious looks of sympathy for being only children, I know that our boys are going to continue to grow to be loving, self-confident and independent young men who develop deep, lasting friendships.

    xoxo,
    K.

  • B C

    What a great article. I think it’s time we all stop assuming the “perfect” family includes a straight couple and multiple kids. I have asked many friends why they choose to do things (kids, dogs, key swap parties), and perhaps I should just stop being snoopy. My gay friends are getting tired of strangers asking how they are going to “get” kids. I think it’s human nature to look at a family outside of “The Cosby Show” model or “Brady Bunch” and wonder “hhmmmm, how did the ethnic, Indian toddler and Red Head, freckled baby end up in the same house?”… but we should all stop and instead just say, “Wow – that family looks really happy!”, as Heidi the author and her family do in the photo!

  • Helene @ French Foodie Baby

    Hello, just discovered your blog and it looks like a great ressource. I really enjoyed reading this post. I have a 15 months old and was raised as an only child (wish now I had siblings though), and I’m not sure I will be able to have a second child (or whether I want one). I notice around me so many people having 2 or 3 kids not for themselves (they’re exhausted as it is), but for their first kid. I guess it’s all a balancing act of figuring out what’s best for the parents, the child… A fascinating topic, and a decision which definitely should have no judgement attached to it from strangers! 🙂

  • Leslie Bronson

    Thank you so much for writing this! As a mom of an only child I cannot tell you how often people love to fill me in on what a mistake my husband and I are making. We are very happy with our three person crew and know we have made the right choice for us. I am adopted and I also disappoint people because I am not hung up about that either. I lucked out and got the best parents imaginable. I think some people simply cannot imagine a situation that isn’t exactly like theirs. I think Heidi really chose just the right words to explain how parents of only children feel.

  • Gina @ Oaxacaborn

    I loved this. I have one daughter, and just don’t understand why it’s anyone’s business to ask us if we’re going to have another. Like you said, we parents of only children don’t go around asking other people why they are having more! People’s nosiness boggles my mind.

    I am still in incredible awe that I was able to have my one, beautiful, precious, miracle child. The fact that I don’t answer “yes” when I’m asked if we’re having more, doesn’t mean I love my daughter any less!

    And one thing that still confuses me is when “they” say having an only child is selfish. I don’t understand that. Selfish to whom? Selfish to babies who do not exist yet?!

  • Cori Shepherd Stern

    As a child from a very big family (5 full siblings, numerous half-siblings), I don’t think I would have suffered any more than I already did (from my family’s insanity) if I were an only child. Healthy families are healthy with one kid or five. Unhealthy families are unhealthy with one or five, too.

  • Renee

    Thank you!!!

  • Janet

    Nice! My husband and I decided to stop at one as well. We have reasons (financial, age, etc.) but like you said, what difference does it make and whose business is it? Our daughter has asked for a baby brother or sister from time to time — that makes me a little sad, but then she asks for Barbies, more cats, and candy with equal or greater intensity. She is an outgoing, peppy little person who makes friends easily. People adapt to their situation. The most important thing you can give your kid(s) is LOVE, not siblings or anything else. Thanks for the article.

  • Erin MacMillan-Ramirez

    It is so refreshing to read about another only child family. My husband and I are constantly assaulted by friends, family and strangers about our decision to have only one child. My husband and I are filmmakers. I’m in school earning my second Master’s degree. I looked at how committed I was when we had our son. I dropped everything to stay home and nurse. I quit working. I quit social activities. I totally enjoyed being a stay-at-home Mom. As our son grew I went back to school. I went back to work part-time. Things picked up, life changed. Now I’m looking at a PhD. program, a five-year-old son and a very busy work schedule. How I would fit a second child into all of that and still give that child everything I gave my first would be near impossible. Why do people want to make me feel guilty for finally being happy and feeling like one child is more than enough?
    I feel guilty whenever I land a great gig and have to spend time away from my son. I feel guilty when I have to travel to a set and spend even a minute away from my son. I feel guilty for enjoying alone time when my son is in school. I spend a lot of time wrestling with “Mommy guilt” I do not need people who supposedly love me, or people I don’t even know judging me and throwing a guilt trip my way over my choice to stop at one child.
    Unless someone would like to sponsor me while I gestate and nurse and get back to work I don’t see how it’s any of their business.
    There are three exceptions to all of this judgement. My Mother, my Grandmother and my Mother-In-Law. They completely understand why my husband and I only want one child. They secretly feel guilty whenever they talk about how their education level, job opportunities and income levels would have been much different if they had stopped at one child. They don’t regret having more than one. They just see the wisdom in stopping at one. I truly appreciate their support and love. It helps whenever I run up against someone who accuses me of abusing my son by denying him a sibling. Apparently just having parents who love and adore him isn’t enough to them.
    We beg to differ.

  • Maureen

    Believe me, I sympathize; imagine, if like me, you chose to have no children. It’s amazing to me how easily people can pontificate. I’ve heard the “selfish” comment about having no children. For me, it was a matter of responsibility first – both relationship wise and economically. Yet, I was considered selfish which cracked me up coming from parents who had tons of kids and were not exactly in the financial shape to do so let alone in a healthy relationship.

    You have chosen wisely, and I applaud you for speaking out.

  • Melinda

    I’m one and done myself. I always thought I would have two, and then we got done with potty training, and I said, “I’m never doing that again.”

  • Heidi

    As an only raising an only — cheers, friend.

  • meredith

    this is such a wonderful article! it is filled with humor and heart and i love that heidi reminds us all that we are each working to do the best for our families. it is so easy to judge each other as parents in hopes of finding some back-handed validation for what we have chosen to do in our own house. BUT, we are all in it together. thanks to the mother company for always reminding us of that and providing this kind of support for us all.