An Interview with Bettie B. Youngs
When around the disabled, children can get nervous, ask uncomfortable questions, and just plain gawk. My family has been lucky to befriend disabled people thanks to mainstreaming in our schools and family members with severe illnesses. I’ve experienced how important it is for my kids—and their classmates and friends—to see beyond the disability to the person. Dr. Bettie B. Youngs agrees, and offers us tools to ensure our kids are compassionate towards people living with disabilities. — Amy Heinz, Using Our Words, TMC Contributor
How can we teach our kids not to be intimidated by people who are different?
Interestingly, it all starts with us responding to our children’s questions and needs by being as honest as possible—in age-appropriate language. It starts by teaching the simple boundaries of “Yes, you can,” or “No, you can’t.” Hearing yes and no from people they love—and feel safe and protected by—teaches kids that they, too, can be forthright. This approach encourages honesty in feelings, in reactions, and in acceptance of self and others.
What tools can we give our kids to be compassionate towards kids who are disabled?
The tool of empathy, of course, but more than anything, we can give our kids tools to be helpful. If a child learns to open a door because someone has his or her hands full, or readily understands that it is best and right to give up a seat, let the other person go first, etc., then he learns courtesy and helpfulness. This way, when a disabled person needs a hand, the child isn’t afraid or intimidated to do so, he simply does. And when he helps in this vein, the person being assisted is left with the feeling of acceptance, too. He is not helped because he is “different,” but rather, because people treat one another fairly and with kindness.
How can we teach our kids to see past differences of kids with disabilities to discover the similarities?
We do this when we teach our children to genuinely believe that there is no such thing as a “mediocre soul”—that we are all here to find our way. We must teach our kids that the goal of each person is to find her talents. We are each in the process of becoming who we are and who we will become. This is not too big of a concept for even young children. When a child has a puppy, we don’t teach her to give him away because he doesn’t know how to come when we call, or because he’s a messy eater. We teach the child that the puppy is not yet big, but is “in process”—to being, having, getting, doing. Using this logic, when it comes to interacting with people, we teach a child to offer a smile—the universal language of friendship and acceptance. That smile can be the beginning of a friendship based on similarity.
How can we teach our kids to help people in need?
The goal is to teach kids that it is our honor, as much as it is our obligation, to help others.
When kids are around a disabled person, they sometimes ask questions within earshot of the person, about their condition. What kind of language should parents use to answer?
In these times, you have to be as sensitive to the other person as to your child. You have a chance to teach children from a very early age about the various reasons someone has extreme differences due to a disability.
If they ask a pointed question about a person’s disability, it doesn’t need to be addressed in front of the person coping with health issues. It does, however, signal that your child is ready to expand his horizons about wanting to know the differences between people. And when you’re in a different setting, you can have an honest conversation with your child and answer his questions.
In the moment, it’s enough to say, “Should we hold the door for him?” Or, if you think you can get a response from the disabled person, say hello and make small talk. If the person isn’t capable of responding, make a statement to them, “What a nice smile you have.” Or, “That’s a beautiful shirt you have on.” The goal here is to show the child that you are engaging in friendship with the other person. This removes the child’s fear or feeling that the other person is “odd”.
And then, teach, teach, teach your children why others are different and what we can each do—including the child—to show we accept others. It’s important to be friendly and helpful…to everybody.
One thing is clear, it’s never too early to teach about differences; it’s never too early to teach your children acceptance and helpfulness.
Dr. Bettie B. Youngs, Ph.D., Ed.D., is the critically acclaimed author of 36 books translated into 28 languages. Dr. Youngs is a former Teacher-of-the-Year, and University Professor. Widely considered an expert with a pulse on social issues, she is a frequent guest on television and radio talk shows, including The Today Show, NBC Nightly News, CNN, Oprah, Good Morning America. Time, U.S. News & World Report, USA Today, The Washington Post, New York Post, Redbook, Newsday and Working Woman have all recognized her work. Bettie is the recipient of numerous publishing awards, including having an Imprint bearing her name.
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Tags: compassion, disabilities, empathy, expert advice, friendship, help with parenting, social and emotional development, social emotional, social emotional development
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One thought to share, as a Mother of 4- one obviously, outwardly different adolescent and three typically developing teenagers…Please, please teach children that just because another person cannot or does not speak, does not necessarily mean that they cannot hear or understand what is being said to and around them. Not being able to speak, or hear for that matter, does not equal low cognitive function.
Thank you, Renee. Well said.
Thank you for a great article.
My biggest suggestion for raising children with disabilities is to look for activities where children with disabilities are present. Most classrooms now have special education students in the classrooms, so beginning the discussion about disabilities can begin as early as kindergarten. There are also many integrated playgroups and activities in which non-disabled children can interact with peers who are disabled. Also, many families have members who have some type of disability, and discussions with your child about that can start early. My children, although disabled themselves, (mostly with hidden disabilities,) have come with me to many events and are completely comfortable with all sorts of physical disabilities. The huge advantage to this is that 2 of my children work in this field. My youngest son, Angel, is so comfortable that he volunteers twice weekly at a school for students with severe multiple disabilities.
Thank you for your comment and suggestion, Linda.
My son uses a wheelchair and for many years at the beginning of each school year would do a presentation to his new classmates. The gist of it was that there is more about him that is the SAME than is different. At the end, he opens up for questions and all the kids want to know is, what video games he plays or what sports teams he roots for etc. They just move on once its explained. In our experience, it’s the adults- not the children- who over-complicate things. When kids stare, I’ll ask them if they’d like to say hi. We can’t transfer our adult perspective on to children because they’re usually curious but not judging. The first time a kid said, “you can’t walk” to my son, I cringed. He just said, “yeah I can but this just helps me”. Next was, “want to play catch?” and off they went. If anything, the most trouble we have had is teaching classmates (especially the girls) to ASK if help is needed, not assume. If it isn’t a common courtesy you would do for everyone (i.e. holding the door), then you need to ask.
Tracy – It sounds as if you have helped the whole community in teaching compassion for your son’s disability…and given your son some wonderful coping skills too. The early experiences these children have with your son will help them feel comfortable with physical differences of all types going forward. What a gift. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.