An interview with Tammy Gold

She’s got all the answers and isn’t afraid to share them. He knows how to get it done, and lets everyone know that it’s his way or the highway. Got a bossy kid? Parents often cringe when their child is telling everybody what to do, and how to do it. Will our bossy kids ever be able to make and keep friendships? Is bossiness a quality that portends unlikable traits in adulthood?  Tammy Gold, founder of Gold Parenting Solutions, gives us a window into the whys and what’s to come for our little bosses. — Laurel Moglen, TMC, Web Content Producer

What are the reasons some kids are bossy?

Three year olds: Kids are just coming out of the primal toddler phase. At this age, it’s all about thinking about themselves, and a real inability to see beyond themselves. This characteristic can seem bossy to parents. However, I like to call it an innocent bossy. That is, they aren’t being manipulative or controlling – they’re just trying to find their way in this still (relatively!) brand new world outside the womb.

Four year olds: Personalities are developing, and perceived bossy behavior could be due to their natural development as a person, or might still be tied to the more “innocent” bossy.

Five/Six year olds: If a child acts bossy, that is, tries to control other kids, or tells them what to do, or takes over games, etc, it’s likely this child is confident and/or strong-willed and/or possibly gifted. At this age, bossy kids know that by talking loud, or fast, or persuasively, or persistently, they can get their way.

Is bossiness a phase or a personality trait?

I think it’s a trait. But keep in mind, these kids are not inherently bad kids. They aren’t bullies. They’re just strong-willed and determined. They can have strong verbal capabilities (using reason) enabling them to trample on kids with less verbal and communication agility. These are actually wonderful qualities that need to be channeled. That said, without focusing the energy behind the bossiness in positive ways, the bossy kid can get out-of-control.

How can bossiness be turned into strength?

Three year olds: Explain the other option because they don’t understand the big picture or other point-of-view. When going down the slide, we repeat until the message is clear, “We have to take turns.”

Four year olds: Give examples with children they know. “When you hog the swing, it’s not fair to John.” Give daily examples of when bossy is good, and when bossy is bad.

Five/Six year olds: You don’t want to smash it; you want to focus it. Parents need to take the time to explain. Don’t just say, “Stop being bossy!” Tell your child, that it’s great s/he speaks his/her mind. People that have drive don’t want to give up. That’s great for sports, or when you’re learning. These are gifts you have. Let’s work on using your gifts in helpful ways, like giving voices to people that are shy, or sticking up for someone getting picked-on, or memorizing all those new vocabulary words, etc.

Explain that their drive is good, but their delivery is not good. They’re persistence is admirable, but when you told Sally you could do it better, it hurt her feelings.

Entitlement tends to go hand-in-hand with bossy behavior. Let those kids talk it out and give reason for their behavior. Listen to them, and  steer them to make better choices that are in line with their strong personality.

The “bossy” kids will grow-up to be litigators, writers, teachers, etc — especially with the guidance of informed parents and teachers, sculpting a child’s “controlling” inclinations.

How can we tell the difference between bossy and bully?

When a child won’t stand down, or won’t take direction from another child or adult, if the actions can’t be modified – this can be a sign of bullying or possibly something pathological. But, a typical bossy kid tends to show remorse or concern if what they’ve done or said made another child cry.

Are there any situations where bossiness can be okay?

I always say if the bossiness is coming out of an urge to protect or keep someone else from harm, then it’s probably okay. If big brother pulls little brother away from the candle flame or the edge of the street, that kind of bossy is very okay.

Anything you’d like to add?

I find the topic of bossiness to be, in general, overlooked, and not dealt with properly.

In my experience, parents are too short-tempered, and teachers don’t deal with it. The bossy kid doesn’t learn how to behave, and “the bossed” doesn’t learn how to stand-up for him/herself. Everyone loses when authority figures don’t take a vested interest in this situation.

It’s actually really important for children to exert their will, and it’s incredibly important for other kids to fight it, and it’s of paramount importance for adults to regulate it. Bossiness, and how to react to it, is a normal part of growing up.

Tammy Gold is a psychotherapist and parenting coach. Tammy has been featured in over 100 articles worldwide and has also appeared on TV Shows such as Good Morning America, ABC News, MSNBC and Parents TV as a parenting expert.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a truly helpful parenting tool… For you!

An interview with Mei-Ling Hopgood

When Mei-Ling Hopgood, a first-time mom from suburban Michigan, moved to Buenos Aires, she was shocked to find out that Argentine parents allow their children to stay up until all hours of the night. How could these little night owls be so calm and happy when, in the U.S., don’t we all know that young children should be in bed by 7 pm sharp? Is it possible that customs so different from our own “right way” to parent actually offer social and developmental advantages? Guided by her journalist’s curiosity, Hopgood scoured the globe to see how different cultures address the parenting challenges we all face: bedtimes, potty training, feeding, teaching, and more. Her findings resulted in the new book, How Eskimos Keep Their Babies Warm. We recently asked her to give us a sneak peak. — Jacqueline T., TMC Producer

You went on an around-the-world tour to understand how different cultures approach common issues in parenting. What did you find? How do global practices differ from common parenting practices in the U.S.?

Here’s the scoop…

Early Toilet Training: In parts of India and China (especially rural China), parents may initiate toilet training when babies are as young as six months to a year old. Instead of the little plastic potties we’re used to seeing, kids crawl and run around diaper-free; parents often have their babies wear special split-crotch pants and peeing on the ground, during toilet training, is not considered a problem. The bottom line? Children in these cultures end up toilet-trained long before most American children are.

Starting Solids: In France, children may eat only pureed foods until they are two years old as a way to train their taste buds to accept more flavors and different foods. Eating textured foods or “food chunks”, as is common in the US, is viewed by most French parents as a surefire way to turn young children off from more adventurous foods. But this doesn’t mean a steady diet of jarred carrots and peas. The baby food aisle in French supermakets is filled with such pureed gourmand favorites as foie gras and pâtes ratatouille veau.

Teaching Responsibility: Among the Mayans who live in Mexico and Central America, even the youngest children are assigned household chores and farm work as a way to develop their work ethic. But this isn’t just to receive a sticker on their chore chart at the end of the day! Mayan parents expect their children to help out with the family’s financial obligations starting at an early age.

Children’s Friendships: Does it always seem like you end up refereeing whose turn it is on the slide or whether that last ball really was a foul? This doesn’t happen in Japan where the approach to playground squabbles is to let the children work it out for themselves.

Strollers: Moms in the US may think a stroller is a must-have, but there really are places in the world where they almost don’t exist. In Kenya, mothers wear their babies in colorful cloth slings—not only is it part of their cultural heritage, but strollers seem downright silly on Nairobi’s chaotic sidewalks.

Sleep:  In Argentina, it’s not uncommon at midnight or later to see little kids of all ages at restaurants and parties.  I soon learned, however, that if you dig beneath the surface, you see that Argentine parents are not allowing their children to be sleep-deprived. It’s just expected in their culture that kids adjust to their parents’ eating hours, which can run quite late. As it is in other cultures, eating together is valued as an important part of family life and something that is beneficial for children, and this is their way of making it happen. Children in Argentina still get enough sleep, just not at the same times as most kids in the United States.

You tried out some of these practices with your own daughter. What did you learn from your experience? What can all parents learn from the global diversity of parenting styles?

I learned that kids are very resilient and will take on the expectations we set out for them. I also learned that kids can be potty trained young and I can survive without a stroller (though I don’t want to). For other parents, I hope learning about other cultures helps them feel less daddy/mommy guilt about doing things exactly right. The tone of so much of the parenting advice we get is so shrill. It’s helpful to look beyond our micro-focused parenting world and put all of it in the larger context of the world.

The overall lesson I’d love to pass on with my book is that there are many ways in the world to be a good parent and raise a healthy child. Really, there is no perfect way.

– Mei-Ling Hopgood is a freelance journalist and writer who has written for various publications, ranging from the National Geographic Traveler and New Beauty Magazine to the Miami Herald and the Boston Globe. She has worked as a reporter with the Detroit Free Press, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch and in the Cox Newspapers Washington bureau, and has been a recipient of the National Headliner Best in Show as well as several other national and international awards. A newspaper feature she wrote for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch about the reunion with her birth family won a national award from the Asian American Journalists Association. She lives in Buenos Aires, Argentina, with her husband and their daughter. Find out more about How Eskimos Keep Their Babies Warm at http://www.mei-linghopgood.com.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a truly helpful parenting tool… For you!

An interview with Meri Wallace

My four and seven year-old sat down to draw. My oldest son picked up a pencil around two and has been drawing ever since. His five years of experience shows. His early squiggles now take recognizable forms and the faces of his characters show emotion: happiness, panic, elation. My youngest grows frustrated with his own work in comparison to his older brother’s.  I take him into a room and pull out an old archive of his older brother’s art.  I show him the drawings of wide spirals and simple lines. I see my youngest relax a bit as he takes it all in. Siblings are inevitably in constant comparison to each other.  How does birth order ultimately shape who we are?  Author of Birth Order Blues, Meri Wallace, gives us some serious insight into the inescapable influence of siblings. — Julia Posey, TMC Web Content Producer

TMC:  What are the myths and what are the truths about the personality differences between siblings as determined by their birth order?
MW:  It is absolutely true. There really are personality traits that people have that are definitely related to their birth order. If you study lots of first-borns, or middle children or last-borns you are going to find a lot of similar personality characteristics relative to their spot in the family. And this all has to do with the unique experiences that each child has in the same families. The birth order actually forms these personality characteristics.

Are personalities affected by birth order?  How?
Yes, tremendously. Not to say they are not shaped by other experiences in the family, but birth order has a powerful impact.

First-born:
Everyone’s really excited. It’s the first child. There’s lots of time to read and research prior to the anticipated birth. Parents take time to find the best mobile to hang in the crib, research what are the best strollers. Everything is geared to the arrival of this first child. Then after the first child is born, there is a tremendous amount of focus and attention on the child. Everything they’re doing, people are snapping pictures, many more than the second and third child. The first-born has all this attention. Everything that this child does is like a miracle. As the child grows, there’s more time invested, more attention than the later children. Also if the first-born is the only child for a couple of years, he or she gets all the money and resources allotted for children.

Some of the challenges of the first-born are that the parents are observing everything that child does. They want things to go so well, not only as a reflection of them, but they deeply want this child to do well. It’s the most important thing they’ve ever done in this world. But what happens is that they start watching everything. Sit up at the table, fold your napkin the right way. You know that drawing…that’s not a tree. Let me show you. Let me help you. What can happen as a result is though the child may be very self-confident and loved because of all the other positives, s/he can also feel very pressured to do things perfectly. Hence, you get personality characteristics like perfectionism, workaholics. They must do things perfectly. And they expect perfectionism in others as well.

Middle child:
The middle child is really the younger child, who is often the second-born, but could be the third or fourth. The middle child has some positives. They are born into a family that already has another child and he or she learns how to be social at a very young age, how to share, how to take turns, how to interact with other kids. The middle kid tends to be more social. Also the parents tend to be more relaxed with this child. They could help their first child survive to the age of three, four or five, so they have confidence in their parenting and feel much more comfortable with this child. However, the middle child has some problems and challenges in that they are not the oldest. And the oldest is always doing something new and requires a lot of the family’s attention. Like going on the first sleep over, choosing a language to study at school. Everything is always new and the parents are always giving attention to the oldest. And you’ve got the baby who gets attention because the baby needs more help. So the middle child gets what they tend to call the middle child syndrome feeling where they don’t feel they get enough attention. One of the personality characteristics that you might see of a middle child is someone who tries to draw attention. And it could be in a positive way as in becoming an artist or by having lots of friends. Or you get middle children who act up and don’t do well in school or get in the wrong crowd of kids or dye their hair purple to get some attention. Identity is a big issue for the middle child. They feel like they are getting lost in the shuffle. Dad might be helping the older one with homework. Mom may be putting the younger one to sleep. And the middle child is kind of left a little bit on his own.

Last-born:
And the youngest child can develop a feeling of inadequacy. The youngest is sitting on the tricycle while the oldest and older children are on two-wheelers. The youngest tends to think, there’s something wrong with me. I’m flawed. Obviously, that could be the middle child, being younger too. The youngest child is often left behind. The older children don’t want to play with him because he is just younger and can’t keep up with them. The younger child might be highly competitive to reach the capabilities of older siblings and feel adequate.

The positives of the last-born are that the babies tend to get a lot of attention. They can get the beloved attention of the parents and the older children if things go really well. The youngest and middle child tend to have less pressure put on them by the parents. They are kind of left to grow up a little more on their own because everyone is so preoccupied with the first-born. They may end up becoming very creative because they have to fill their own time.

Why does the middle child birth spot hold such a stigma?
The issue of identity is harder for the middle child. I’m not oldest. I’m not the youngest. Who am I in this family? When parents introduce their children to people, they say this is my oldest child, this is my youngest child. The middle child doesn’t feel like he or she has equal weight. Middle children often act out because they are so upset by this.  Or they may work to get positive attention. Children show their feelings through their behavior.

Again a child who actively seeks to develop an identity can be very creative and go out there and do great things because s/he is freer than the first-born whom everyone monitors so closely.  There are also mitigating circumstances that affect personality development as a result of birth order.  One thing that often happens is that if the first-born rebels because of parental pressure, s/he might be the one who is not doing well in school, so the middle child jumps in and excels in order to individuate his/her self.

Why do kids feel the need to be different from their siblings?
Kids feel a need to survive in a family. Attention from parents equals survival.  They try to learn from the older one what works and what doesn’t work. So the middle child, or second-born, might grab the spotlight that way.

Then there are other things, like how far apart they are, the size of the family, the gender of the child. If you have a girl who is the first-born in a family where the boy is the most important, the second child may be treated more like a first-born. In some families the youngest girl is the one who is supposed to take care of the parents. There are all kinds of cultural differences. And in step-families, you can be the first-born in one family and move to a different position in another.

And an only child is kind of like a first-born and a last-born. So he or she has some of the characteristics of both.

How do age differences and spacing play out?
In terms of sibling rivalries, studies have shown the closer in age the kids are, the more rivalry. If you have two of the same gender, it’s going to be a little harder. If they are opposite gender, it tends to be easier because each one might have a more solid identity based on gender.

How do parents play a role in this?  What can parents do to nurture their little individuals effectively?
As a parent, you can do things that enhance the problem or you can do things that will help these children meet the challenges of birth order.

The purpose of my book, Birth Order Blues, is to guide parents on what they can do for each child in a family, based on their birth order.  The general ideas are that with the firstborn, parents need to be aware and not pressure the child so much that if he gets 97%, don’t ask what happened to the other 3%. Go easier. Also, for the firstborn should not always have to take care of the younger siblings or s/he will develop tremendous resentment.

In addition, the younger child doesn’t know that when the older child was her age, she couldn’t ride a two-wheeler. Her legs were shorter, too. Eventually, her legs grew. Children need those explanations. “It’s hard for you to be the younger child. Your older sister is riding a two-wheeler. You’re not. But don’t worry, you’re going to grow. Your legs will get longer. She couldn’t do it either when she was your age.” We tend to think that it’s obvious, but it’s not obvious to children. And that’s another reason why you get the personality characteristics. For example, the younger child feeling inadequate because the younger child doesn’t understand that it’s the age difference. The younger child says, “Oh, she can do so much more than me. I’m not as good.” So that’s where the parent needs to step in and explain to the child, “You’re feeling this way because of your position in the family.”

To the firstborn, you could say, “Let me tell you the family story, first there was you, me and daddy. We had lots of time and attention for you. Now we have another child, so it’s harder. It’s hard for you to share the attention. Maybe you feel angry and sad about that. And when you do, talk to me.” You see, I think a lot of parents are afraid if they bring it up they are going to make the child feel that way. But the child is feeling that way anyway.

If you don’t have these conversations, children really suffer from the experience. And they develop some unnecessary characteristics. For example, the oldest child ends up becoming very bossy and controlling of the younger child. And the seed of that comes from the initial feeling of being supplanted. If you talk to the child and say, “I think you’re bossing the baby around because you feel a little angry. It’s hard for you that you’re not the only child.” With that kind of dialogue going on, the feelings don’t need to be acted out. So some negative characteristics may not develop at all.

If you talk to the middle child, “I know how hard it is for you.” And then you work really hard to try and give that middle child alone time, make special dates, and arrange for activities for which s/he can excel and get a lot of attention.  You can work against the difficulty and make it easier for the child rather than letting the negative characteristics develop. If you help children to see what their experience is, put it into words and give them support for it, and you will make their experience a better one. You start to notice, wait a minute, we’ve been talking about this new school for over an hour. Or we’ve been helping the older one with homework for the whole night, but we’re leaving out the younger child. Let’s put the younger child next to the older child with a book and we can call it his homework. You can change the outcome. And you can diminish the negative characteristics from developing.

Should we see this as a “problem” to work through or just as the way things are?
Some people say sibling rivalry just exists. Just let your kids work it out. And my answer to that is: no. It is a reality in families that children have to share their parents and they have to share the resources. And they don’t have the skills to deal with all of this on their own. How does that little kid on the tricycle interpret the situation? If you don’t help him, he’s going to come out with the wrong interpretation. By dealing with birth order issues, it can help with problems in the future. And it makes their lives better in the present.

Meri Wallace is the author of Birth Order Blues (Henry Holt & Co.).  She is the founder and director of the Heights Center for Adult and Child Development. Her work includes a featured column for “Sesame Street Parents” and a consultant for the PBS’s Children Television Workshop. She has appeared on Montel Williams, the BBC and the Fox Family Channel (with T. Berry Brazelton) to name a few.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a truly helpful parenting tool… For you!

(This is the 2nd article in our series on Finding Happiness in 2012)

We learned last week that there is more to happiness than the kind that comes with instant gratification. However terrific that high might feel, it’s fleeting. Is it possible to have sustainable happiness? Is it possible to have a sense of peace and satisfaction while the demands of parenting can weigh us down oh-so-often? I don’t know, but I’m willing to give it a go! Dr. Andrew Weil, author of Spontaneous Happiness, and world-renowned Harvard educated doctor, shares his top ten tips on how to encourage long-lasting happiness and peace in our lives in 2012 and beyond. Happy New Year to all of you, our wonderful Mother Company readers! — Laurel Moglen, TMC, Web Content Producer

An article by Dr. Andrew Weil, M.D.

Here’s a top ten tip list on how Mamas can increase their sense of happiness and peace in the New Year.

1.   Cultivate the kind of happiness and peace that comes from within. Emotions exist on a continuum from extremely positive to extremely negative. Experiencing a range of emotions is both normal and healthy provided that you don’t get stuck in a particular mood, or bounce between extremes. Emotional well-being can be optimized by damping the oscillations between moods and aiming for a mid-point not of happiness, but of contentment, balance, and resilience.

2.   Follow an Anti-Inflammatory Diet Insulin resistance is associated with inflammation, weight gain and depression. An anti-inflammatory pattern of eating has been shown to reduce insulin resistance, lessen inflammation, and enhance mood. Eat a wide variety of brightly colored fruits and vegetables, cold water fish, plant-based protein, healthy fats and slow-digesting carbohydrates, and avoid highly processed, manufactured and fast foods (http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART02012/anti-inflammatory-diet).

3.   Get physically fit. Regular exercise of moderate intensity, such as a daily brisk 30-minute walk, lessens inflammatory changes, helps prevent depression, and is as effective for the treatment of mild to moderate depression as antidepressant medication. Exercise outdoors to get the added benefit of connecting with nature.

4.   Supplement wisely. Dietary supplements do not take the place of a healthy diet, but they can fill nutritional gaps. For example, most people do not ingest enough omega-3 fats (DHA and EPA), which play important roles in controlling inflammation. Women are particularly vulnerable to depleted omega-3 fatty acid stores, especially during pregnancy and the first few months following delivery. I believe that maintaining adequate omega-3 fatty acid intake not only promotes heart health but also enhances mood. I recommend taking a molecularly distilled fish oil supplement each day that provides a combined 2-4 grams of DHA and EPA. Another common nutritional deficiency is a lack of vitamin D, low levels of which are associated with many disorders, including depression. Speak with your doctor about having a test to determine your vitamin D level, or take 2,000 IU of vitamin D3 (cholecalciferol) daily.

5.   Limit your time on the internet. Information overload makes us feel less in control of our lives and clearly contributes to anxiety and depression. In addition, hours in front of the computer screen make us less socially interactive, not more, and social isolation predisposes to depression. Maintain a supportive network of family and friends by being in their presence whenever possible. Spontaneous happiness is incompatible with social isolation.

6.   Get adequate sleep. Healthy sleep can help optimize emotional well-being, while insufficient quality or quantity of sleep can adversely affect it. Maintain a set bedtime that gives you the best chance of getting at least 7 hours of sleep each night. And when your children nap, take one yourself.

7.   Manage stress in healthy ways. My favorite stress management technique is the 4-7-8 (or relaxing) breath, which can offer immediate relief from anxiety. Sit or lie in a comfortable position, placing the tip of your tongue just behind your upper teeth and keeping it there throughout the entire exercise:

• Exhale completely through your mouth, making a gentle “whoosh” sound.
• Close your mouth and inhale quietly through your nose to a mental count of four.
• Hold your breath for a count of seven.
• Exhale completely through your mouth, making another “whoosh” sound, to a count of eight.

This represents one cycle. Inhale and repeat three more times for a total of four cycles. Perform the exercise at least twice daily. Making the 4-7-8 breath part of your daily routine will increase your experience of serenity and comfort, and give you greater emotional resilience.

8.   Eliminate noise. Expose yourself to sounds that soothe and calm, while limiting exposure to harsh noises that may worsen your mood. Listen to music that elevates your spirit, and regularly get outdoors. The complex sounds of nature have the potential to heal in ways that science has yet to fully define, but which are nonetheless undeniable.

9.   Meditate. More than a technique of detaching from unwanted thoughts, meditation can allow you to witness the productions of your mind, including thoughts, from a nonattached, nonjudgmental perspective. The practice can help restructure the mind in healthy ways and supports emotional well-being. Simply sitting still and paying attention to your breath is an effective practice that anyone can do.

10.   Don’t smoke. If you do, quit.

Dr. Andrew Weil is a world-renowned leader and pioneer in the field of integrative medicine. He is also the Founder and Director of the Arizona Center for Integrative Medicine, University of Arizona Health Sciences Center  and  Director of Integrative Health, Miraval Arizona. He’s a New York Times best-selling author and wrote the book, Spontaneous Happiness. 

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a truly helpful parenting tool… For you!

(This is Part 1 of a 2-part series on Finding Happiness in 2012)

All our articles are geared toward the social-emotional health of our little ones with the goal of raising great people. But what about us?  As we give and give and give to our broods, it’s easy for our own happiness to play second fiddle. In our busy lives, how can we nurture our own happiness and thereby, of course, pass it along to our children?  The first installment of our 2-part series on Finding Happiness offers six quick tips to help energize our day-to-day routines with more happiness and peace in 2012. Here’s to a very happy, healthy and meaningful New Year for you and yours — Laurel Moglen, TMC Web Content Producer

An essay by Dr. Aymee Coget

What is happiness?

This question is not as “woo-woo” as it seems! Most people have no idea there are three kinds of happiness. They are:

Hedonic Happiness: This is the positive emotion that happens in our brain when something good happens, like flowers from a secret admirer, or a new pair of shoes! This type of happiness is fleeting. Moments after the consumption of that piece of chocolate, we’re in a traffic jam or a fight with a friend, and that happiness we were feeling is gone.  This kind of happiness is out of our control. It occurs because of a person, place, thing, or circumstance. People can get trapped in the pursuit of hedonic happiness, because it feels great. Unfortunately, it doesn’t last long.

Eudaemonic Happiness: This is deep inner contentment, a sense of fulfillment in our heart center developed over time, through coming to understand our meaning and purpose in life, being true to our authentic selves, and using our strengths. When those four things are in place, we will feel this eudaemonic happiness. Unlike hedonic happiness, it is sustainable.

Chaironic Happiness: This is a spiritual happiness. This is the type of happiness that the Dalai Lama has. It’s the type of happiness one can have when on their death bed, the type of happiness we get when we have a connection to something greater than ourselves, albeit god, or the universe, or what have you. Like eudaemonic happiness, chaironic happiness can be developed and sustained — if you know how to do it.

I want to encourage you to take your happiness and peace into your own hands this new year.

If you find it challenging to create a happiness practice simply by your own will, consider doing it for your loved ones.  A recent longitudinal study out of Harvard University says your happiness influences up to three degrees of separation in your social network.

Where are your children going to learn about happiness anyway?

That’s right! From you!

The following six tips will help you get started on your way to creating a more peaceful and happier 2012!

Driving – Gratitude Practice

A game to play in the car is a gratitude practice. Focus on “I am grateful for ____ because it adds ____ to my life.” Get the whole family involved.  The trick is to never repeat.

Cooking – Singing

Hum or sing any song that makes you feel good.  Now is a time for you to get in the flow of food preparation. How about adding a tune to boost your mood while doing it? If you’re uncomfortable singing, playing music can also lift your spirits.

Shopping – Acts of Kindness

Focus your attention on others while shopping or running any kind of errand.  I know you want and need to keep your attention on your little ones, yet you can teach them to give acts of kindness while shopping too — ie: pick up litter and throw it away, hold the door open for someone, help mom carry something, or sing to their sibling to soothe them. There’s also a website, http://www.randomactsofkindness.org/, that gives lots of examples of kind gestures.

Resting – Connecting with the Higher Purpose

Rejuvenation is key to a lot of mothers — even it is sitting down for 5 minutes without interruption. When you have this time, connect with the higher purpose of your motherhood of being able to raise amazing children and how special an opportunity it is to have them in your life.

Talking – Positive Language Counts

It is important to omit words like “no, not, don’t, can’t, should, but and try.” A note about the word try: Trying is an admittance of failure. People that “try” rarely ever “do.” Affirm the positive instead of negate the negative.  So focus on what you DO want.  For example, “Stay on the grass,” instead of “Don’t go on the sidewalk.”  Regarding the word “but.” People naturally cringe at the sound of it. They know a negative is coming. Words like, “yet”, or “therefore” are preferable, or eliminate its use altogether. For example, “I know you want another dessert. Tomorrow night, you get another!”

Sleeping – Breathing

Sleep comes finally at the end of a busy day.  This is a time for you to slip into peaceful sleep. So take a moment to clear your mind of the happenings of the day and simply focus on expanding your inhale and exhale until you gently fall into restful sleep.

Aymee Coget, PhD has over 15 years of experience in positive psychology. She works with people teaching them how to be happy and how to handle life’s toughest challenges through her program, The Happiness Makeover. Dr. Aymee will host a spreecast on “How to be a Happy Mom in 2012″ on January 4th at 4pmPST.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a truly helpful parenting tool… For you!

By Maryellen Hooper

Every year I make a list. The “Old-Fashioned, Handmade, Everything-Recycled-and-Educational Kind of Christmas” Things To-Do list. I should start with recycling the list itself. It’s been the same list for seven years and nothing’s ever been checked off it.

What happened seven years ago? My first-born came into the world and I became close with my homesteading hippie friend, Willow. We both had brand new babies and visions of the kind of moms we wanted to be. I thought I was a holistic/natural mom because I was a vegetarian and feeding my baby soy formula. Then Willow told tales of giving birth at home, sewing teddy bears from placenta and building a cradle from old orange crates. I knew I was waaay out of my league.

Even so, I never gave up the dream of a perfect holiday. I guess I just wanted the picture. The Norman Rockwell, everyone smiling sitting down to a home-cooked meal holiday picture. Minus the slaughtered turkey. I wanted to change the pressure-filled, tree thrown out on the lawn because it wouldnʼt stand up straight, forgot to turn on the oven so we have to eat TV dinners kind of Christmases I had as a child. But as the saying goes: “The road to bad Christmases is paved with home-made intentions.”

That first year, when Willow handmade her baby a special gift by whittling an exact replica of the Grand Canyon into a potato, loaded it with dye she made from berries grown in her garden, then stamped it onto a recycled onesie, the gauntlet was thrown. Not to be outdone, I ironed a “Keep on Truckin” patch onto my babyʼs bell-bottomed jeans. Seemed like a sweet nostalgic gesture at 3am Christmas Eve.

Yikes. This homemade storybook Christmas stuff was harder than I thought. I made the decision to stop comparing my efforts to Willowʼs… Right after she donated an actual teepee to our sonsʼ Christmas bazaar. She had made it from a tree felled in her yard by an endangered beaver she was caring for and topped it with the skins of several animals who had all died of old age. A Native-American mom just hung her head and muttered expletives as she left the bazaar trying to hide her handmade cornhusk doll.

“Set the bar waaay lower” I chanted “and success will be mine!” I decided to go back to comparing my efforts to my childhood. That HAD to be easier to beat, right? When I was eight, I had to wrap my own gifts because my Mom was working late. I practiced my “surprised” face while I wrapped. Then there was the year I asked for a Chrissie Doll that had a growing ponytail. “That doll is way too expensive!” my Dad informed me. “Donʼt worry, Santaʼs gonna bring it to me!” I assured my parents. “We have to PAY him you know! Thatʼs why poor kids donʼt get anything.” was the only explanation my Mom could come up with. Sheʼs never been good under pressure.

So here I sit, a mom armed with nothing but good intentions and “The List”:

1. Use all my sonsʼ outgrown, favorite Star Wars shirts and lovingly sew them into a memory quilt.
2. Collect all my husbandʼs favorite photos of the boys and photos of him when he was a boy and scrapbook them together into a small album he can carry with him to share with his friends.
3. Hike into the woods as a family and choose a tree. My husband will teach the boys about saws and nature while I pour the hot chocolate into mugs we have just taken out of the kiln.
4. Gather sticks, leaves and rocks while in the woods to make ornaments for the tree by hand.
5. Have the boys draw festive holiday scenes and make holiday cards out of them.
6. Sew bags from beautiful holiday fabric to use and reuse as gift wrap instead of wasteful wrapping paper.
7. Make holiday cookies and treats from scratch to wrap and give as gifts to friends and family.
8. Cook an amazing holiday feast of Tofurky and homegrown vegetables.

(Close-up on clock spinning fast forward…)

Both boys got Strep throat. My Mom sold her house and had to be moved into a condo and the dog threw up on the rug…27 times.

The actual list this year:

1. Bought my sons new Star Wars shirts and a snuggie.
2. Bought my husband a photo album and left in the pictures of the model family.
3. Bought a tree at Home Depot when I was there getting spackle to fix the hole my son put in my Momʼs new condo wall.
4. Put the tree up ornament-less and declared it to be “Naked, just as nature intended.”
5. Screen-captured the boysʼ high score while playing Angry Birds and sent it to everyone via an e-card site.
6. Kept all gifts in the store-bought bags they came from and “saved hundreds of cotton plants.”
7. Lots of gift cards.

Sigh. Well, thereʼs always next year.

A veteran in the world of stand-up, Maryellen Hooper’s comedy has taken her from clubs and colleges to theaters and television. She’s appeared on “The Dennis Miller Show”, “The Martin Short Show”, “The Tonight Show” with Jay Leno and has had her own ½ hour special on Comedy Central called “Lounge Lizards”. In 1998, the comedy industry awarded Maryellen “Female Comedian of the Year” at the American Comedy Awards. Her website is www.maryellenhooper.com. She chronicles motherhood and home life at her blog, Stinky Flowers.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a parenting tool….For you!

An interview with Dr. Claudia M. Gold, MD

The terrible twos, (or threes! And fours? ) have passed. I always figured 5 & 6 meant cruising along until the teenage years, right? Most decidedly wrong. These years are rich with peer influence and the perils of newfound independence. With that clearly brings on more of a need to separate, individuate, and make Mama crazy with the kind of “no” that comes with an emphatic and hard to dismiss argument. Many kids engage in an even trickier type of misbehavior, an in-your-face rule-breaking – a brand-new kind of outright decision to go against Mama’s wishes. Dr. Claudia M. Gold, MD, author of, Keeping Your Child in Mind, tunes us in to our children’s perspective so we can do our best to see this newest phase through! — Laurel Moglen, Web Content Producer, TMC

When a child basically knows the difference between right and wrong (at age 5 & 6) and chooses to do wrong, or consciously break the rules, or behaves impudently, how should a parent react?

A child showing a lack of respect is among the most upsetting experiences for a parent. However, “impudence” is an adult interpretation of a child’s behavior and that is not usually the child’s intention.

Most “defiant” behavior comes from a feeling that things are out of control, and that a child’s feelings are not recognized. In fact, the parent’s experience and the child’s experience are quite similar. The parent, in being treated with what you refer to as “impudence” is not being “seen’ or not being recognized for who she is, namely an adult deserving of respect. A parent might have had other experiences of being “not seen” perhaps by a spouse, co-worker  or by her own parents, that makes her particularly vulnerable to getting upset about not being “seen” by her child.

In almost every instance of “defiant behavior,” if one digs a bit below the surface, there is a way the child is also not being seen, or a way in which her experience is not recognized. For a particularly dramatic example, a 6 year-old was brought to my practice with a chief complaint of “defiant behavior.” Further history revealed significant trauma in the child’s life. An alcoholic father who had abandoned the child as a toddler had recently been making visits at which time he was often drunk and very loud. Yet these visits had not been discussed until their visit with me for the child’s “defiant” behavior,” particularly around bedtime. Once a child feels that he is being seen, that his experience is recognized and understood, the “defiance” or related difficult behavior often evaporates.

Is there anything parents can do to lesson the impulse to act defiantly?

In general, if there is increasing “defiance” it is important to take a step back and try to understand what feels out of control for the child. It might be that he is very sensitive to loud noises or taste and battles around ‘making a scene” at a family outing or being  “picky eater” are related to these sensory sensitivities. It might be that there is a new baby and everyone is chronically sleep deprived. Or there may be financial stress or marital conflict. Simply recognizing that these things are difficult for a child and acknowledging his experience, even if the stressors are still there, goes a long way in having a child feel understood, and in turn decreasing “defiant” behavior.

What are kids exploring when behaving defiantly? Why is this defiant attitude happening?

It may be that a child is getting a sense that aggressive feelings are bad and so there is no outlet for normal healthy aggression. Behavior that hurts other people is never OK and clear limits must be set on this behavior. But it is important for a child to know that angry feelings are OK. For example, a child may be told that he must always play nice, even in pretend. Then angry feelings may lead to increased “defiant” behavior.

Are these acts of defiance a phase, or possibly a long-term issue?

The more a child has the language skills to express his feelings, the less likely he is to act them out. Thus “defiance” is common in toddlers when saying “no” may be the only means they have to have some control of their environment. If an older child, as in the example above, has the ability to articulate “I’m afraid to be alone at night because I think about those visits with my father” then he will be less likely to behave in a way that seems “defiant.”

Could you give us 5 top tips for rules to stick by?

1. Be curious about the meaning of your child’s behavior.
2. Show empathy for your child’s feelings.
3. Help your child to manage and contain difficult feelings by setting limits on behavior.
4. Recognize how your child may “push your buttons” and work to put your feelings of distress aside. Yoga or other activities that help with self regulation may be useful.
5. Once you have done these 4, then positive reinforcement and sticker charts can be helpful.

Dr. Claudia M. Gold, MD, has practiced general and behavioral pediatrics for over twenty years. She has written a column on children’s mental health for the Boston Globe and writes regularly for her blog Child in Mind. She also authored the book, Keeping Your Child in Mind. She lives with her husband and children in Egremont, Massachusetts.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show.” We want to be a parenting tool….For you!

An interview with Kim John Payne

I remember when I first read Kim John Payne’s “Simplicity Parenting.” Many friends had recommended his book. But I’m a wary person by nature and especially wary of the veritable industry of simplicity: magazines, media, gigantic stores touting ways to simplify. But Payne’s book cuts to the point.  In one chapter, he recommends clearing out the clutter of toys and leaving just a few for your children. Braced for the worst, I went into my sons’ room and purged. The result: the room was clean, organized. There was a feeling of space. I liked it, but what would my sons think? My oldest entered first followed by my four year old. I stayed behind and listened. A giggle rippled through the air, my youngest gasped with delight as if he was sitting in front of a birthday cake. Instead of my boys being bent out of shape with what had been removed, they found new joy in the toys that were left behind, played with them more deeply, and began to relax more. What is this power of simplicity? Kim John Payne tells us all about it. – Julia Posey, TMC Web Content Producer

How does a large amount of toys, games, trinkets, dress up clothes, etc. affect young children?

Fewer toys reduces conflict among siblings. With feedback through our blog and countless workshops, we’ve noticed kids get along better when there is less. It’s not a huge mystery. Fewer toys invokes scarcity. Scarcity fosters more cooperation. It activates the limbic system in the brain which encourages cooperation. With fewer toys, a toy is rare and is precious. Limiting toys allows for increased depth of play that allows children to process their day. I see it as a cup where they carry all of their experiences from the day. it allows them to empty their cup for the day and be ready for the next.

Should the amount of toys be limited for kids age 3-6? Why?

Yes. And it’s not just the amount of toys, it’s the kind. In this holiday season as parents are looking for toys for their children, they should ask, “Is this a toy that invokes the creative facilities?” Neutral toys tend to be best. The more a child can impart themselves in the toy, the better the toy. The child can have an industry and purpose. All people love this, not just children. I have built something. I have done something, that builds their self-esteem enormously. I am also a fan of real tools for children, small enough for children to use. Real toys. Not cheap plastic ones. Children learn from imitation. They learn by imitating work. Children who help with the work of chores, if they stand along side us with their own tools, their own gardening tools, their own wash up tools, they can mimic and build their sense of self-esteem by accomplishing a task and being helpful. Granted, it’s probably faster as a parent to do the work by yourself, but we can teach and learn through the gift of work. Many parents have said their best gifts have been small tool boxes with sand paper and hammers. I’m a big fan of those kinds of action gifts as opposed to Xboxes. The difference is action. Children are doing the action rather than the action is foisted on the child.

How do too many options (for play or in general) affect children?

Too many options make a child anxious. Fewer options allow more depth and connection in play.

Kids are often hyper-scheduled with classes and activities after school. Is it too much for the young child? What is reasonable?

Tantrums are the devices of young children to show they are overloaded. As children grow, tantrums evolve into melt downs and the amygdala part of the brain takes over. It’s a child’s undeniable message that they are too stimulated. Instead of nurturing a child’s development, over-scheduling is counter intuitive. Children need down time for brain development. An over-scheduled child does not have time to process what she/he has experienced or learned. I call it a 3/3/3 principle. Children can be busy, active and engaged for 33% of the time, creatively engaged 33% and allowed 33% for crucial down time.

If kids don’t have a ton of toys to play with and activities to fill their time, what will they do?

They will reach out to nature, siblings, you & themselves. You will find that children will look to nature to fill their time and spend time observing and experiencing. They will turn to their siblings. They will also turn to you to follow you as you do your work whether it be preparing supper, sweeping the floor or tidying up. They will also turn to themselves and a deeper creative play. Allow your children to be bored. I like to call it the gift of boredom. Allowing children to be bored truly is a gift. When a child comes to you and states their boredom, say “oh dear” and empathize “I can see you are bored” but don’t offer some kind of entertainment. Let the child be resourceful because out of boredom comes engagement and creativity. Creativity is more important now than ever before. These days the average job a person holds is under 2 1/2 years. By allowing our children the gift of boredom, they can develop their creativity and adaptability. These are the skills needed in the new work world. We need to give our children the space and the grace and time to develop that. Over-scheduling and too many toys ruins that. Simplicity parenting is not a regression into the past, it is a bold step into the future.

How can we teach our children to value simplicity?

Simply put: by valuing it ourselves.

In the Holiday Season, how do you manage the sometimes excessive influx of gifts from friends and relatives?  Can it be handled graciously?

This is such a hot topic on our blog. I take this from the parents input on our site. You address your relatives, and say, we are doing things differently. And request that each grandparent, uncle or aunt only buy one gift for the child. Or give the gift of time if they are local. Give the gift of an outing or an experience. I’ve asked this question countless time from parents, “What is one golden moment from your childhood.” In all the years and countless times I’ve asked the question, it’s never been Disneyland or a fancy gift. It’s always been an experience, an outing, time spent in nature. The main thing about gift giving and opting for simplicity is to make a decision to stand on your principles. The proof will be in the family pudding. Your children will not be entitlement monsters, but kids with gratitude for what they receive. That’s something all families can appreciate.

Kim John Payne is the author of Simplicity Parenting (Ballentine Books, 2009). He is the founder and director of the Center for Social Sustainability and has worked for 24 years as counselor and educator helping children and parents. He has been featured in Time magazine, the BBC, NBC, ABC FOX, and is a regular guest on NPR. Learn more about simplicity parenting at www.simplicityparenting.com.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show.” We want to be a parenting tool….For you!

Los Angeles parents: join us for a night to regain your sanity!

Parenting expert Jennifer Waldburger will share her tips for dealing with the “3 T’s: Tantrums, Testing, and Talking Back” in this unique parenting class hosted by The Mother Company. Click here for more details.  Space is limited so call 310.998.1981 to reserve your spot today!