An interview with Jennifer Waldburger, LCSW

Every parent of a toddler or preschooler has grappled with the largess of frustration.  Whether it manifests in tantrums, or anger, or self-worth issues in our kids, it is a constant balancing act to know what to do in the face of such an enormous emotional surge:  step back and let it happen, guide through the resistance, or try to make everything better? And when our own frustration with the situation adds to the mix, we are in a downward spiral to meltdown-land for all involved.  To offer kids some tools to handle frustration, we wrote our new children’s book, “Sally Simon Simmons’ Super Frustrating Day,” and thank goodness we’ve also got TMC resident expert, Jennifer Waldburger, LCSW to help guide us parents through the labyrinth of these incredibly big feelings. –  Sam Kurtzman-Counter, TMC President

**  Join us on Facebook today, May 17th at 2pm PDT/5pm EDT for a chat with Jennifer Waldburger about Dealing With Frustration.  Get all your tough questions answered!

What is generally the source of young kids’ overwhelming frustration?

Essentially, frustration comes from wanting something and feeling that you can’t have or do whatever it is you’re trying for. Emotions often come in big bursts for young kids who are new at feeling their feelings and haven’t yet learned emotional regulation – in other words, how to stay grounded and balanced as you experience a surge of energy moving through you. Young children are also exploring their sense of power – how much they have and don’t have, and what they can control vs. what they can’t. When kids experience a big surge of feeling powerful, because of their immaturity they often don’t realize that there are any limits to that power – so they react strongly when the limit comes, whether because they hit a roadblock in their creative exploration or because an adult imposes it.

How should parents respond to their kids’ frustration?

It’s ironic how frustrating it can be to deal with frustration! Parents often feel incredulous at the level of frustration a child can feel over something seemingly trivial, such as being told that he can’t empty all the sugar packets while you’re waiting for food at a restaurant. It’s easy for us to forget, though, that the world is still largely brand new for kids – they want to explore everything, and the idea that they can’t, or that it isn’t the time or place or the appropriate way to explore, feels like a huge wet blanket on their curiosity.

So, remembering their perspective is the first step – even when it seems like they’re just trying to push your buttons, that’s usually only true if they’ve gotten a rise out of you by doing the behavior they’re doing, which is fascinating to them because of the surge of powerfulness they feel when you react. An interesting thing about emotional states is how contagious they can seem – so watch your temptation to jump right into the tangles of frustration with him by reacting in more frustration, as you’ll just continue to escalate each other. The good news is that calm can be “contagious” too; when you take a deep breath and center yourself in the face of your child’s frustration, communicating clearly without losing your cool, you can literally share that calm with him and invite him into it. Frustration can never last in an environment of calm.

When you have some quiet time, teach him how to take a big, deep breath, and help him explore what it feels like when he’s frustrated (tense muscles, negative thoughts) so he learns to recognize its onset. If he’s old enough, teach him that when he’s feeling frustrated he can imagine a red light telling him to STOP what he’s doing and calm down, and when he’s feeling calmer he can imagine a green light telling him it’s ok to GO again.

How does frustration produce tantrums?

Tantrums are the effects of overloaded neural and biological systems; stress and frustration have escalated to such a level that your child’s emotions need to explode in order for him to regulate again. This ties back to kids being new at feeling their feelings; because he’s inexperienced, your child may go from zero to 100 in a blink. Usually, if you convey to your child that you are bigger than his big feelings – in other words, you stay calm and present without trying to engage, negotiate, or distract him – the storm will pass in a few minutes. By learning to tolerate even these big surges of emotion – and seeing that these big feelings don’t threaten you – he also learns emotional self-mastery and will stay on a more even keel quite naturally.

Is frustration good for a child?   Should parents try to lessen frustrating situations or just let them happen?  Why?

Frustration is the motivation to learn and discover something new. Cars were invented because it was frustrating for it to take so long to get from A to B; kids learn to walk because they’re frustrated by being down on the ground, unable to see and experience as much of the world as they’d like. So allowing some frustration within your child’s own compass can actually help him grow and develop. The key is knowing what your child’s compass is, and respecting it, as everyone’s tolerance for frustration is different; feeling some frustration can motivate a child, whereas too much can overload his nervous system and cause a shutdown. If what your child is going for seems within reach, let him be – or offer gentle encouragement – and see what happens. if he’s melting down, it’s time to take a break and help him center himself.

It’s so hard to let your child be frustrated.  How can parents handle that dilemma in themselves?

Most parents feel uncomfortable allowing their child to struggle, often because it brings up their own childhood memories of either struggling and not feeling supported, or not having had much opportunity to struggle and accept it as a natural part of life. Either way, your child’s struggle and frustration in the here and now are offering you a golden opportunity to learn how to tolerate and manage your own frustration. The tools that work well for him – taking a few deep breaths, counting to ten, taking a break and changing the scenery – will work just as well for you! As a bonus, when you model getting frustrated and then calming yourself, you help teach your child how to do the same.

Jennifer Waldburger, LCSW, is a regular contributor in our extraordinary stable of experts at The Mother Company.  She is co-founder of Sleepy Planet, a company that offers collaborative consultation, education, parenting groups, counseling, and products to parents of children birth to five years. She is co-creator of the book and DVD “The Sleepeasy Solution”, and also maintains a private practice as a psychotherapist.  Check out more of Jennifer’s helpful articles:  Tantrums, Testing, & Talking Back, Happiness Is An Inside Job, When You Don’t Like Your Child, Nightmares, and In Search of the Holiday Spirit.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a truly helpful parenting tool… For you!

Sam, Abbie & The Mother Company Muses

Two years ago on Mother’s Day, The Mother Company was born – out of our own needs as mothers and to help a generation of our peers get answers to the questions we all face while trying to raise good people.  Since then, we’ve spent over 700 days gaining understanding and knowledge about all of you – and ourselves – in the process. What makes us cringe, cry, and connect.  What makes us pause, learn, and grow.  And of course, what makes us smile!  Needless to say – we think about mothering a LOT.  So, as you might guess, Mother’s Day is a kinda big deal around here.  And we are celebrating it by honoring you with this video dedicated to hard-working mamas everywhere:

You are The Mother Company:   the everyday moms who are making a difference to their children, their families, their communities – and bettering themselves.  We honor the mama who offers comfort with extra long snuggles and the mama who pumps at the office (or the police officer we met who pumps in the patrol car!).  We honor the first-time mama who is rediscovering who she is and the veteran who is contemplating yet another addition to her brood.  We salute with awe the mama who adopted 5 special needs kids.   And we give thanks to the grandmas who laid a path for us to find our own way.

As the rest of the media busies themselves by continuously pitting us against each other – Tiger Moms vs. Attachment Parenting vs. French Moms vs. Family Bed vs. Ferberizing, etc - we are in the business of bringing moms together.  You’ll find no judgement here.  We feel so incredibly lucky to be connected to such an incredible group of women who offer us support with every “like” on Facebook, with every forward of our articles, with every purchase of our products.  As we dedicate our lives to “Helping Parents Raise Good People,” it is so validating to know that our work is resonating.  We want to thank you and honor you and remind you, in the words of our favorite children’s host, Ruby:

“You are the only you in the world.  And you are loved.”

Happy Mother’s Day.

Abbie & Sam
The Mother Company Mamas

**PS — for Mother’s Day only — you can get 25% off ALL our children’s products at RubysStudio.com.  Just enter MAMALOVE at checkout!

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a truly helpful parenting tool… For you!

Frustration is one of the greatest challenges of early childhood – we’ve all seen it in action!  In tandem with the release of our new children’s book about frustration, Sally Simon Simmons’ Super Frustrating Day,  we are offering the chance to get answers from a fantastic parenting expert about how to help your child navigate through this big feeling.

Please join us on The Mother Company Facebook page on Thursday, May 17th at 2pm PDT/5pm EDT for a live chat with Jennifer Waldburger, LCSW. Jennifer is co-founder of Sleepy Planet and provides consultations, mother-infant groups for new moms, lectures throughout Los Angeles on a variety of topics, and works in private practice as a psychotherapist. Here are some stellar articles she’s written for us:  Tantrums, Testing, & Talking Back, Happiness Is An Inside Job, When You Don’t Like Your Child, Nightmares, and In Search of the Holiday Spirit.

Jennifer will be available to answer all your most pressing questions about how to better understand and help your little ones cope with their big feelings of frustration.  We hope you can join us!

*At the end of our chat we’ll draw a winner from the entries in the contest you see below this post. Enter and share a link or two to get more chances!

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a truly helpful parenting tool… For you!

An interview with Susan Stiffelman, MFT

A lawyer once told me in any good negotiation everyone loses something. But when it comes to negotiating with our children, is the loss a healthy power dynamic between parents and kids?  When parents engage with their children in these discussions, are they putting themselves in an overly vulnerable position? Or could both parties actually stand to gain?  Susan Stiffelman, child development expert, says there’s a time and place for that kind of strategizing, so long as parents and their children stick to certain rules of engagement. — Laurel Moglen, Managing Editor, TMC

Under what circumstances is it appropriate and not appropriate to negotiate with your child/ren?

Negotiating is such a loaded word, and is often used in such a negative way. I’d like to use the phrase, “making new agreements.”

When a child is really upset, that is, pushing and demanding, that’s not a time to make a new agreement. It’s time to be captain of the ship. Use empathy first. Acknowledge your child’s point of view. You can say something like, “I know you wanted to get ice cream with Grandpa, I know it doesn’t seem fair to not get to watch another show, I know you’re really disappointed…” Be there with your child, giving loving support, allow them to be sad, but no negotiating. Their talk might look like a negotiation, but really it’s a hostile takeover.

If a child proposes something, and presents her idea in a respectful way, and they appear to be able to consider both points of view developmentally, then you should at least consider her point of view. For example, she wants to watch a show before doing her homework. You can say, “I have some concerns – but tell me your plan, and maybe we can make the change.”

My approach is not about being dogmatic or inflexible or controlling. Especially as kids mature, we want them to be independent and able to make their case. It’s important to give kids’ their audience, especially if they’re being reasonable. It builds a sense of trust and respect between parent and child.

A lot of kids think us parents are power hungry. We just say “no, no, no” because we simply can. Strong-willed kids really resent that. So, it’s important to, at the very least, consider their point-of-view, so long as they’re being reasonable and calm. How else will they learn to ask for what they want in life?

What about when kids try to change the order of an established ritual – for example having breakfast before getting dressed for school?

Two thoughts –

Generally speaking, kids do better with consistent rituals. I tend to want to advise a family to stick to them. That said, if a kid asks sweetly, you could say something like, “Well sweetie, I’m willing to give it a try. If you think you can get dressed and be in the car by 8am, it might work.”

I have no problem with that because how else is a kid going to ask to try new things and show you s/he can live up to their new agreements?

What do children learn from making new agreements?

They learn their voice matters. They learn how to articulate their wishes in a respectful way. They learn how to listen to another person’s point of view and respond.

What are some tips for parents on how to create new agreements with their child/ren?

• Choose a topic that’s fairly neutral, and not hugely important one way or the other in terms of outcome. Don’t start practicing with big things.
• Teach your child some guidelines such as: we take turns talking, and listen to the other person respectfully, we don’t shout or say rude things.
• If no “new agreement” is made, acknowledge your child’s disappointment with the outcome. Allow your child to feel their sadness or frustration and acknowledge this is not what s/he hoped would happen. This is where parents have to accept that kids won’t always be happy and won’t always like you. If you’re really parenting, you have to live with that.
• Sometimes it’s good for parents to give in. Just make sure you, as a parent, are okay with that outcome.

What is the goal for parents when entering into a negotiation with their child/ren?

I think there are two:

• When coming up with a new agreement, parents need to be sure it’s one they can live with and feel good about. It should cause no harm and shouldn’t compromise the child’s welfare.
• To empower the child to learn how to speak for herself and advocate for herself.

Susan Stiffelman, MFT, is a licensed psychotherapist, child expert and author of, “Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids while Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected.” She is dedicated to helping parents raise kids who are joyful, resilient and authentically themselves–without power struggles, negotiations, meltdowns and the various other thieves of joy that interfere with a parent’s ability to enjoy the journey of parenthood.  Her free newsletter can be found at www.parentingwithoutpowerstruggles.com.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a truly helpful parenting tool… For you!

 An interview with Lucy Jane Miller, MD and Sarah Schoen, PhD, OTR

Do you have to cut the tag out of all your kid’s shirts?  Intense reactions to sight, sound, smell, and touch. Some kids are super sensitive, but sometimes it’s more than that.  Sensory Processing Disorder is a condition commonly associated with autism, but some kids that aren’t autistic experience it, too. In fact, researchers say it affects 1 out of 6 children in varying degrees of acuteness. Doctors Lucy Jane Miller and Sarah Schoen from the Sensory Processing Disorder Foundation share their expertise, enlightening us all on this common condition. — Laurel Moglen, Web Managing Editor

What percentage of American children have SPD?

Research has found that 5-10% of the American child population has SPD. One study (Ahn, Miller, Milberger, McIntosh, 2004) shows that at least 1 in 20 children’s daily lives is affected by SPD. Another research study by the Sensory Processing Disorder Scientific Work Group (Ben-Sasson, Carter, Briggs-Gowen, 2009) suggests that 1 in every 6 children experiences sensory symptoms that may be significant enough to affect aspects of everyday life functions.

Symptoms of Sensory Processing Disorder, like those of most disorders, occur within a broad spectrum of severity. While most of us have occasional difficulties processing sensory information, for children and adults with SPD, these difficulties are chronic, and they disrupt everyday life.

What is it like to have SPD?

Sensory Processing Disorder is a rather complex condition that manifests in a multitude of ways. Mostly we see the behaviors not the sensory reactions. So that a child who does not like touch may have meltdowns every day before school when putting on their clothes. It isn’t usually evident to family members that their child’s behavior has a sensory basis. And even when the clothes finally get on their body, their child may be distracted all day at school because they never habituate to the feeling of the pants on their legs or the sleeves of their shirt.

Difficulties in processing everyday sensory stimuli may produce a range of problems including any or all of the following: motor clumsiness, behavioral problems, anxiety, depression, school failure or social isolation. Frequently children with Sensory Processing Disorder are misunderstood, misdiagnosed and unfairly disciplined because their actions are interpreted as “bad” behavior rather than a neurophysiological problem.

Are there such subtle cases of SPD, that it’s hard to detect in a child?

An essay by Heather Phillips, TheAutismMom.

(This is Part 2 of a 2-part series on Autism Awareness and Acceptance)

It’s just three simple words, but three words that many parents of children on the autism spectrum long to hear from their child – I love you.

We know it in our hearts. We believe it with our soul.  But we may never hear it spoken from the lips of our children.

Some children with autism can’t speak. Some have voices but they’re locked in their own private world, unable to communicate their heart’s desires.  Others babble on incessantly about their small-world obsessions, but struggle to truly read and understand the emotions of others.

My son repeats the words back to me when I tell him I love him every night as I tuck him in to bed. But the words aren’t his own –  they’re ingrained in his head as part of our nighttime ritual.

There’s never once been a spontaneous “I love you.” It’s just that he never thought to tell me.

And he struggles just as much with finding the right mix of words to explain his frustration or anger.  He made us giggle one time in a fit of rage as he spit out, “I want to break people’s hearts.”  We think he picked that up from a song on the radio.

Sometimes I think he just doesn’t quite know what to do with his emotions as they bubble up to the surface at unexpected moments.  About a year ago, I was shocked when I looked over at Carson at the end of a “Nanny McPhee” movie and found his eyes brimming over with tears. When I asked him if he was sad that Nanny McPhee was going away, he buried his head into my chest and was inconsolable for about the next hour.  I had to practically carry him out of the movie theater.

I considered his tears a small victory because he actually “got it.” He was demonstrating that he actually comprehended a situation from the perspective of another person, and it made him sad.  That’s no small feat for a child with autism.

At nearly 8-years-old, he’s just now putting the puzzle pieces together in his mind, sorting out the maze of his emotions.

Even though he doesn’t share his words of affection, I still know what’s in his heart. I know it in his big squeezy hugs at night and through his Eskimo kisses.  I know it when he climbs on my lap before bedtime, settling down for a story. But I also know it even when he calls me a “mean mommy” or throws a temper tantrum when I tell him it’s time to do homework.  But yes, I’d still love to hear it.

Yet, I know I’m one of the lucky autism moms. My son’s brand of autism didn’t strip him of outward signs of affection or attachment.  Other moms aren’t so fortunate.  But I know those moms must feel it in their gut too – never spoken aloud, but felt deep in their souls.

Heather Phillips is a full-time journalist turned over-time mom of a nine-year-old “typical” daughter and a 7-year-old son with autism. She is also the founder of TheAutismMom.com, a blog and resource site designed to connect, empower and inspire parents of children with autism and other special needs.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a truly helpful parenting tool… For you!

If you are in the LA area, bring the kids to meet Ruby at these free, fun family events to celebrate the launch of our new book, “Sally Simon Simmons’ Super Frustrating Day” (available at RubysStudio.com April 23rd – or order your advance copy now!)

Book Launch events with Ruby:

Storytime with Ruby at Books and Cookies

Ruby will read all the beloved Ruby’s Studio books at this adorable Santa Monica bookshop.

The Mother Company Mother’s Day Event at the UCLA Family Commons

Ruby will help children express their feelings for Mom while creating a memorable Mother’s Day gift.

An interview with Lisa Goring of Autism Speaks

(This is Part 1 of a 2-part series on Autism Awareness and Acceptance)

According to the most recent study by the CDC, 1 in 88 children in this country are affected by Autism.  That’s over 1 million kids!  1 in 54 boys!   How is that possible???  While there is some debate as to whether that number has increased exponentially due to increased prevalence or just increased diagnoses, it is undeniable that Autism is touching all of our lives.  The Mother Company has had the true honor of connecting with a bunch of moms with kids on the Spectrum because our Ruby’s Studio products seem to be a helpful tool to aid in feelings recognition and expression for kids in this community.  April is Autism Awareness Month and we’re offering a series of articles to help raise awareness and acceptance for the life experience of these moms and kids.   Lisa Goring, the Vice President of Family Services at Autism Speaks, kicks off our series with some valuable information to help support this community through greater empathy and understanding. (Stay tuned for a mom’s perspective next week!) –  Sam Kurtzman-Counter, TMC President

For the month of April, $1 of every purchase at RubysStudio.com will be donated to Autism Speaks!

What is Autism?

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and autism are both general terms for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors. They include autistic disorder, Rett syndrome, childhood disintegrative disorder, pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) and Asperger syndrome. ASD can be associated with intellectual disability, difficulties in motor coordination and attention and physical health issues such as sleep and gastrointestinal disturbances. Some persons with ASD excel in visual skills, music, math and art.

What is the Spectrum?

Each individual with autism is unique. Many of those on the autism spectrum have exceptional abilities in visual skills, music and academic skills. About 40 percent have average to above average intellectual abilities. Indeed, many persons on the spectrum take deserved pride in their distinctive abilities and “atypical” ways of viewing the world. Others with autism have significant disability and are unable to live independently. About 25 percent of individuals with ASD are nonverbal but can learn to communicate using other means.

First and foremost it’s important to treat a child with autism like any other child.  You should speak with them as you would any other child their age.  You should always presume that they understand you even if they cannot communicate verbally.  Depending on the needs of the child you may need to wait a little longer for a response, or you may need to shorten some of your sentences.  Many children with autism are very literal and so it’s best to speak in concrete terms and not use slang or idioms.

How do you describe autism to a young, non-autistic child? 

You could say something like, “This child has autism. It affects the way a person’s brain works.  Some people with autism may have trouble talking, or playing with toys.  Sometimes they can have trouble making friends.  It’s important to know that kids with autism want to be your friend and they want to play with you, they just may need some help.”

It is important to remember that the child with autism may not have been told that they have autism (each family deals with disclosure of this information differently).  If a parent is talking to their child (without autism) about a child with autism, they may need to let the child know that they should not mention autism to the child with autism unless he brings it up.

How can parents with non-autistic kids be helpful to those parents with autistic kids? 

Especially when a family first learns of their child’s autism the following can be helpful:

• Parents of children without autism should let their friend that has a child with autism know that they are there for them.  You may want to start by asking how the child is doing and then let her take the lead.  If she talks about the diagnosis and feelings be a good listener.  Some parents may not want to discuss the diagnosis (at least not yet).   It is important that you maintain your contact with them.  Invite her to go for a walk or a cup of coffee.  Try to keep the conversation away from your child’s achievements and successes, if things are difficult for the family living with autism.
• Ask if there are websites or books that she would recommend so that you can better understand autism.
• Do not share the diagnosis with others.  Even with the best of intentions, each family is different when it comes to telling people about their child’s diagnosis.  They will tell people when they are comfortable doing so.
• Some families affected by autism have founded that initially it was easier to maintain friendships through phone calls, texts and email.
• Offer to watch your friend’s child with autism (if you are comfortable doing so), or to watch the typical siblings so your friend can have a break.
• Offer to help with errands.  Sometimes it can be hard to take a child with autism out on a variety of errands.  If you’re going to the grocery store or dry cleaner, perhaps you can find out if your friend needs anything.
• Let your friend know that you can be her “go-to-friend” if she needs someone to pick up or drive the typical sibling to activities or events.

What tend to be the toughest issues for parents with autistic kids?

Autism affects communication, social interaction and repetitive behaviors and/or intense interests.  Given the magnitude of these three areas it impacts all aspects of the life of a family.  Autism affects the whole family and it is not something that the child or the family signed up for.  It requires a significant amount of therapy and the therapy is not always easy to find or pay for.  It is hard work for the child with autism as well as the family and it can be extremely isolating.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?

We have a group of Family Support Tool Kits available for all to download.  Included is a kit specifically for “Friends of Families Affected by Autism.”

Lisa Goring is the vice president of family services at Autism Speaks. She lives in New York with her husband and two children, one of whom has autism.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a truly helpful parenting tool… For you!

“Mommy, can we have a Seder?” my daughter asked after I picked her up from her friend Hannah’s house. As I wracked my Catholic-raised brain to come up with an answer, I listened to my daughter breathlessly tell me all about the Passover meal Hannah’s family had just celebrated. I love it when she is enthusiastic about something new, but to actually hold a Seder of our own? That seemed like going a little too far. Or is it? What about Jewish kids who want nothing more than for the Easter Bunny to pay them a visit? Or a Hindu family who decks out the house at Christmas? Should we deny or encourage children to explore other customs and traditions — and if so, what are the limits? To answer these questions, I spoke with family therapist Suzanne Cooper. — Jacqueline, TMC Content Producer

Why do some children become so curious about holidays that are outside their own family’s faith background?

If you are doing your part in raising a child who is curious and inquisitive about the world around him, it’s natural that sooner or later, depending on your family’s faith, he will start asking questions like, Why do some families put up a Christmas tree in December and we don’t? Why do some kids receive baskets full of candy on Easter and we don’t? These types of questions are completely normal and, in most cases, offering a simple explanation like, “Because Billy’s family is Christian and this is a part of how some Christian families celebrate Easter,” is usually enough to satisfy a child’s curiosity.

However, when a child becomes VERY curious — or even obsessed — about a particular holiday, there is usually a deeper issue in play. If your child is passionate about having a Passover Seder after attending one at her friend’s house, but no one in your family is Jewish, try to get at what your child saw and felt that she so clearly wants to duplicate. Was it a large family gathering with lots of aunts and uncles and cousins? Was it a small, intimate gathering with just the immediate family and your daughter as a special guest? Was it unusual for your child to see an entire family sit down for a meal together without any of the usual distractions? This may require some gentle questions on your part to coax this out, but you will likely find that the real celebration your daughter wants to partake in here is a celebration of family.

Let’s say a Jewish girl is talking non-stop about the Easter Bunny. Should her parents respond to this or try to discourage her interest?

If it puts your mind at ease, first of all, a child who wants a visit from the likes of the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus is probably not experiencing a crisis of faith. In today’s environment, it is nearly impossible for kids from minority faith groups, whether it’s Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, or something else, to walk into a store and NOT be confronted with holiday customs that are completely outside their own traditions. Seeing a wall-to-wall display of brightly colored Easter eggs is incredibly stimulating for children — and what kid wouldn’t want to celebrate a holiday that, on the surface, seems to be all about chocolate and jelly beans?

Figures like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are attached to Christian holidays, but carry no religious value on their own (in fact, some Christians object to including the Easter Bunny and Mr. Claus in their celebrations). If you feel comfortable approaching the Easter Bunny with the same secular light-heartedness that you do with, let’s say, the Tooth Fairy, then there is probably nothing wrong with having the Easter Bunny stop by your house to drop off a basket of goodies on a Sunday in early April.

In some families, though, I understand that this will not work out due to a variety of reasons. If this is the case, be prepared to have an honest discussion with your child about why you don’t celebrate any form of Easter. And then follow this up with a rundown of what you do celebrate! Remind your child about things like all the relatives coming over for Passover, how much fun it will be for your child to play with his cousins, and some of the special activities you have planned.

Is there ever a point when you know it’s time to draw a line with what you are willing to celebrate?

The place to draw the line is at your own comfort level. Simply ask yourself, do you like how and what your family celebrates? Is your child happy? When our own family celebrations are different than what we experienced as a child, we may think we are somehow failing or not raising our children the right way. This simply isn’t true — good parenting and family-centered holiday traditions can come in all shapes and sizes. If everyone is content, there is no need to feel guilty that you are somehow doing something wrong by being more inclusive in your traditions.

What about children of families who are being raised without a particular religion? Where do they fit in?

Families in this category may have a little soul-searching to do in order to find the best balance of customs that work for them. Are you part of a mixed-faith couple? Including traditions from both your religious backgrounds can give the richness of two faiths to your children. Raising children without religion of any kind? You will need to make a decision about whether or not to celebrate the secular side of these holidays. You might be comfortable with Santa stopping by on Christmas Eve, but how much wall-to-wall Man in Red do you want in your family’s life between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Do you want to include the Easter Bunny in your family’s life — or would you be happier with a spring celebration centered around Earth Day?

One good rule of thumb for families: Whatever you celebrate, in whatever form, what matters most is not how much chocolate or how many gifts a child receives on a certain day, it’s that there are special days set aside for joy, laughter, family togetherness, and fun. Trust me, it’s these things that your child will look back and remember in the years to come.

Suzanne Cooper, LCSW, is a family therapist and teacher from Colts Neck, New Jersey. She has served as a faith and parenting expert for BeliefNet.com and several parenting websites. 

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a truly helpful parenting tool… For you!

The whole “she got more than me” thing (and all the variations of it) can drive a parent mad. Throughout the course of a day, there are so many things shared – both emotionally and physically – it’s impossible to be fair all the time. I remember a much desired melting popsicle dripping down my arm, and the effort I put into splitting it so both of my boys would get their fair share. Enough already! What is fair? Does it mean equal? Is it important to teach kids how to cope with imbalance? Nancy Samalin restores parents’ sanity with information we all can share. — Laurel Moglen, Web Managing Editor

An interview with Nancy Samalin, M.S.

Many parents believe that being fair means that everything should be equal. That is, if we treat siblings the same, they’ll stop arguing about who got more, who gets to go first, or who’s the favorite. But they won’t—probably not even when they get to be adults.

Fairness doesn’t mean equal or the same. Trying to treat children “equally” is a little like trying to get out of quicksand: the harder you try, the deeper you sink. What parents need to do is treat their children “uniquely.”

Your kids don’t really want to be treated the same, no matter how much they clamor for it. Treating children identically tends to backfire, because you end up depriving them of what they really want — which is to be valued for who they are. Kids need to be celebrated for their achievements. Their efforts need to be noticed and rewarded.

The message behind the fairness complaint is really this: “Am I special? “Do you love me?” “Am I worthy of your attention?”

What can parents do when kids compare each other?

Sometimes parents can change the focus from a child’s comparison to his or her individual need. For example:

Matt: He got more cereal than me.

Mom: You sound like you’re really hungry.

Matt: I am!

Mom: Okay. Show me how much more you want.

Not all inequities are as easy to solve, of course. If there’s one piece of cake with a rose decoration and three kids want it, you can’t make everyone happy. But kids have to deal with the unavoidable lesson that life isn’t always fair. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “Next time, it will be your turn.”

To avoid fights over regular issues as who had what last and whose turn it is next, let your children work out a schedule: whose turn it is to use the red crayon or choose the TV show. Then keep track of it on a calendar. Another strategy is to ask your children for their suggestions as to how to problem-solve.

Parents should be sure to lavish praise on their children when they’re sharing well: “I love it when my boys are sharing their toys so nicely!”

What about “who do you love more?”

• If your children are mature enough, with advanced senses of humor, try saying what one of my client’s once answered (to big laughter) “Oh my goodness, you both drive me crazy in equal proportions!” But caution here, because you never want a child to misunderstand you or the joke.
• Another way to answer is to pause. There is a real possibility that if you don’t respond right away, your child might start talking, giving you clues about what prompted the question, or perhaps their own answer to the question.
• You can also, repeat the question back to your child: “Who do I love the best? Who do you think? Do you have any idea? Did something happen for you to ask this question?” The child might give you an answer to help lead your answer.
• Or, you could say, “Who do I love more? You see these fingers? I need all of them, all of them are special. Just like you and your brother/s/sister/s.”
• Or, you could say, “You are two different people, so I can’t possibly love you the same.”
• Or, “I love you for all of who you are, and I love her for all of who s/he is.”
• You could also ask the child, “Do you love Mom and Dad the same?” Giving them a question to think about, can help start dialogue. Dialogue is always best.

Now, if you think your child is asking the question because s/he is hurting, then address the feeling first. For example you could ask, “Is that how you really feel? What do you think is making you feel that way?”
When kids get competitive in a hostile way, what’s the best way for parents to react?

Keep in mind, when you have two siblings not the same age, and they’re fighting, you’re not dealing with, for example, a six year old and a four year old. The older child will always sink to the level of the younger one. So, you’re dealing with two four year olds. It’s rarely the other way around, and parents should not expect the six year old to act more maturely in times of heightened emotion.

When younger brother gets upset that big sister can kick the ball a lot farther than him, parents can say, “I know it’s frustrating he can kick the ball farther – but as you grow, you will get stronger and you’ll be able to kick the ball hard too.”

When someone you love is upset – speak to the heart first and head next. Empathize first. We want the child to feel understood. Avoid giving some kind of moral lesson – young kids won’t get it. Get in their shoes.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our children’s series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” along with our beautiful children’s books, music, handmade dolls, and more.  We want to be a truly helpful parenting tool… For you!