Polly Pagenhart is the publisher of the website, Lesbian Dad. There, she describes herself at the “crossroads of mother and father.”

Curious, I asked her to expand on that definition, and here’s her answer:

As a “non-birth” mom and a grown-up “tomboy,” I find myself engaging in parenting “roles” played by both women and men. Many women and men experience a broad overlap in their parenting roles, particularly as parenting gets more and more equally shared. LGBT parents tend to experience far fewer predetermined, sex difference-driven divisions in their parenting labor.  As a result, I feel not just the latitude, but the need to examine and define my parental role organically and authentically. The meeting place between “mother” and “father” is where I’m most comfortable.  In other words, I pick up the kids from school and pick them up onto my shoulders; I shop for groceries and hardware supplies; my kids experience me very much as a bit of a mom and a bit of a dad. Which is why we came up with a transcendent third option for my name as well (Baba).

For a more in-depth explanation of Polly’s “crossroads,” she wrote a moving and eye-opening piece about what it’s like being a gender nonconforming parent, published in the Huffington Post. It’s a fascinating read for those of you seeking more nuanced insight into the experience of a lesbian family. Click here to read it.

Following, is an array of resources for parents and young kids to help keep up a healthy dialogue about nonconforming families, their children and their needs. Many thanks to Polly for this carefully curated list. — Laurel Moglen, Managing Web Editor, TMC

A trailer to the short film, What do You Know?

Produced by Welcoming Schools, this short film features kids, ages 6-12, from Massachusetts and Alabama. They talk about what they know about gay men and lesbians, what they experience at school, and how they’d like teachers to take it all on.

Picture books featuring family diversity for pre-K to early elementary school kids

• The Family Book, by Todd Par (2010). Fun, easy, breezy, super kid-pleasing bright colors.

• Who’s in a Family?, by Robert Skutch (1997). Helps lay a simple foundation that families come in many colors and configurations Who’s In My Family? All About Our Families, by Robbie H. Harris (2012). Interracial families, single moms, two dads, mom wearing a hijab, etc.

• The Different Dragon, by Jennifer Bryan (2006). An imaginary flight of fancy of a boy and a dragon who is tired of being tough; happens to have two moms.

• Donnovan’s Big Day, by Leslea Newman (2011). Donnovan’s two moms are getting married and he’s the center of the story. Sweet as all get-out, and rightly has the kid at the center.

• Freckleface Strawberry: Best Friends Forever, by Julianne Moore (2011). Focus is the friendship of two kids (a boy & a girl) who have differences but a ton in common; one has two moms.

Useful websites 

http://www.familyequality.org/

Family Equality Council is changing attitudes and policies to ensure all families are respected, loved, and celebrated – especially families with parents who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender.

http://www.lgbtmap.org/

An independent think tank that provides rigorous research, insight and analysis that help speed equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people.

http://www.welcomingschools.org/

A project of the Human Rights Campaign, Welcoming Schools offers tools, lessons and resources on embracing family diversity, avoiding gender stereotyping, and ending bullying and name-calling in elementary schools. It offers an LGBT inclusive approach that is also inclusive of the many types of diversity found in communities.

Polly Pagenhart is editor-in-chief of lesbianfamily.com. Her personal blog Lesbian Dad, has been recognized with awards from the Weblog Awards, the Bloggies, About.com, Red Tricycle, Circle of Moms, and Babble. She lives with her partner and their two elementary school-aged children in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Share your thoughts/anecdotes/musings about this topic below in the comments section.  We’ll share one reader’s comments every week in our newsletter.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out episodes of our “Ruby’s Studio” children’s video series,  along with our beautiful children’s books, apps, music, handmade dolls, and more.

Kathy Young and her family

At a very young age, I was told my aunt was a lesbian. I can’t remember how lesbian was described, but I understood my aunt loved women, and that was that — not a big deal. Not a big deal because my aunt’s sexual orientation was just another fact of life. My aunt went on to meet her life partner (together now for 33 years) and have four children, all by artificial insemination — same donor. The story goes someone from The Phil Donahue Show wanted to interview my aunts because their choice to bring children into a same sex family was fairly new, and very stigmatized at the time. They turned down the opportunity, as they favored privacy. But now? Children of lesbian parents abound, and the parents and kids are talking about it via the myriad of channels available to them. Kathy Young, lesbian mother of two, gives a very personal interview about life with her two kids. — Laurel Moglen, Managing Web Editor, TMC

What do your kids call you and your partner?

I’m mommy, and my partner is mom-mom, so named by my youngest, a boy.

Any humorous anecdotes you can share about explaining different kinds of families or parental relationships to your children?

My elder child (a girl) is from a previous partner, and I share parenting responsibilities with my ex. Now both my ex and I are with new partners. So my girl has four moms. Can you imagine parent-teacher conference night with four moms in the room?! It can be overwhelming….

In the early grades at my girl’s school, they always do a family unit. Every year she’s “outed” as coming from a lesbian family. Initially, when she told her friends she had four moms, they couldn’t believe her. For some reason when she told them she had two houses with two moms in each house, the kids were able to understand. I don’t know why. We’re totally normalized on campus now; she’s been attending a school with the same kids since the beginning.

We’ve also been extremely fortunate to have teachers unafraid of having those conversations.

Can gay people get married in AZ?

No, gay marriage is not legal in AZ.

In our family, we talk a lot about how families can be made up of different scenarios. Grandparents, single moms, single dads, two dads, two moms, etc.

We teach our kids that a family is about love. That’s it, plain and simple.

Do you feel it is at all important for your kids to have close male relationships in their life, or is that irrelevant?

We feel like they benefit from strong positive people in their lives. Not just us, as their parents. Trusted adults help expand the circle of trust. Uncles and grandparents are huge. We have the granddads. Their uncle is really involved. We surround ourselves with solid, loving people. We do feel it’s important to have strong, male influences in their lives.

Our kids have a tremendous sense of family. Never had to have daycare, we’ve been lucky enough to have grammycare.

What kind of benefits do heterosexual (married) parents have that lesbian parents don’t have?

Everything! In AZ there’s no relationship recognition. The birth parent can give parental rights for six months, and you’re issued a piece of paper with that authorization. It has to be updated every six months. We pay money and have this done, but there’s no real guarantee it will be recognized in the court of law. In most states, when two moms are together, only one of the moms may have parental rights. The birth mother is typically given those rights. For the non-birth mother to have the rights, the birth mother would have to relinquish hers.

This piece of paper is the closest thing I have to prove that I’m important in my children’s life.

Everyone in our family is supportive of us. I don’t have to worry about my partner’s family taking my kids away from me. This has happened in other places, for example, in regions in the South. The flip side of this is I could bail on my family, but of course I’m not going to do that. I want the protections, and I want to be held accountable to accept the responsibilities as well.

Why did you decide to have children, knowing you would not have the rights to them you long to have?

I never wanted kids, and didn’t see myself with kids. I didn’t want to give birth; that wasn’t a draw. But, when I met my partner (now my ex), it felt so natural to have a family with her. It was a healthy relationship and we wanted to raise kids. That impetus continued with my current partner.

Children brought into gay relationships are not accidents; they are very planned. There are medical procedures involved. Even if you have a friend be a donor, the man has to sign off parental relinquishment. There are fertility issues, and getting eggs harvested (If you go that route).

Men have to go through surrogacy or adoption/foster. These routes to building a family take a lot of thought and commitment.

Can you adopt your children?

No, there is no second parent adoption in AZ. One person can adopt in a same gender relationship, the other parent just can’t.

How is being a lesbian parent any different from being a heterosexual parent – from a social-emotional point of view?

No difference really. But, when we sent our kids off to school, I’m so much more concerned about the social interactions, then I am about what they learned that day. Bullying will come, and we think about what we’ll need to do. That’s where my pressure and worry comes from. Our children are opened up to a different level of bullying. I had the choice to have them; they didn’t have a choice to come into a family that’s different from their friends. So, as a parent, I feel extra-sensitive about those issues. The thought I might be the reason behind teasing or discomfort is hard on me. We have extra communication with our kids’ teacher, and checking to see if everyone is getting along. So far, it’s great.

Our children have not experienced any teasing from kids due to their family dynamic. At worst, one time my daughter heard someone say (3^rd or 4^th grade) use the word “gay” derogatively, not towards her, but my daughter picked-up on it. She knows not to believe that. We let the teacher know so it was clear that it was not okay.

In AZ and wherever you might travel, how does being a lesbian impact the perception of you as a parent?

I don’t think it’s that big of deal anymore. I’ve never had a problem. Women tend to be more accepted — since women are believed to be “nurturing” we get a pass.

Many of your blog posts have a political spin, how do you, (if you do) pass your political activism on to your children?

My daughter knows about Human Rights Campaign – the largest LGBT civil rights organization in which I’m the political co-chair in Arizona. We’re really trying to get more awareness raised about all the different kinds of families that exist in our modern world. Grandparents, same gender parents, single moms and dads, etc., are all raising kids.

Gay rights is a key issue in our family, amongst all the other very important political issues. We were invited by Congresswoman  Kyrsten Sinema (first openly bi-sexual congressperson) to go to the White House Easter Egg Roll. Our six year old was excited to go to the hunt. We explained to our eleven year old that the White House wanted gay parents at this event to show their visibility and to honor them. We explained that a family like ours wasn’t invited seven years ago.  The extent of my son’s activism came with Romney’s proposed funding cut to PBS – threatening Big Bird’s existence on the air. He wasn’t happy about that.

Kathy Young is a popular blogger, and political co-chair of Human Rights Campaign in Arizona. She’s also a c0-host of The Agenda on QTalkAmerica.com. She lives with her partner and two children.

Share your thoughts/anecdotes/musings about this topic below in the comments section.  We’ll share one reader’s comments every week in our newsletter.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out episodes of our “Ruby’s Studio” children’s video series,  along with our beautiful children’s books, apps, music, handmade dolls, and more.

On January 31st, 2011 a young Zach Wahls, son of two moms, stood up in front of the Iowa House Judiciary Committee on behalf of families headed by same-sex parents to make the case for full marriage equality. Within about 24 hours, the three minute video of his heartfelt, dignified speech was posted to YouTube and received 75,000 views. Now, two years later, that video has soared to a whopping 17 million views. If you missed it, and you’re inspired by watching people rise-up full of courage and love, click the above image to play.

Zach Wahls is a student, small business owner, author, activist, and most importantly, brother and son.

Share your thoughts/anecdotes/musings about this topic below in the comments section.  We’ll share one reader’s comments every week in our newsletter.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out episodes of our “Ruby’s Studio” children’s video series,  along with our beautiful children’s books, apps, music, handmade dolls, and more.

Zach Wahls, his sister, and two moms. Photo courtesy of the author

Zach is a busy guy, but between his environmental engineering studies, and his activism on behalf of full marriage equality, he spared The Mother Company some time to answer a couple of questions about what it was like, as a little guy, to be raised by two moms. Following the interview, is an excerpt from his book, My Two Moms.

When you were a little guy, how did you perceive your family in comparison to others?

Like any other kid, I was well aware of the differences that existed between my family and others. And like any other family, mine was different from every other. My mom Terry was diagnosed with progressive multiple sclerosis when I was eight. We attended a Unitarian Universalist fellowship instead of a Christian church. My moms–both medical professionals and former athletes–put a large emphasis on healthy eating and physical exercise. The fact that I had two moms and they were both gay was certainly noticeable but in no way all-defining. This was due partly to my mom Terry’s explanation of our family situation to me at a young age and due partly to the sheer normalcy–as far as I could tell–of everyday life. My moms still had to buy groceries and take me to swimming practice and balance their check books and change the oil in their cars. Life with gay parents, though certainly in some small ways different from the lives for those with straight parents, was defined not by how others viewed us but how we interacted with and valued each other. We were defined not by some external perception, but by love, strength and the commitment to work through the difficult times so we could enjoy the good ones. We were family–and that was what mattered most.

Any funny anecdote you can share about being raised by two moms?

In 1996, at my moms’ commitment ceremony, I watched them walk down the aisle…to the theme song of Star Trek: Voyager.

**********

An excerpt from, My Two Moms: Lessons of Love, Strength and What Makes a Family, published by Gotham, April/2012

One of my recent lectures brought me back to my birthplace in central Wisconsin. I was slated to speak to students and faculty at each of Mid-State Technical College’s three campuses: Wisconsin Rapids, Stevens Point, and Marshfield, my hometown. After the talk in Marshfield, I headed up to Wisconsin Rapids for an interview with a nursing student curious about the best way to interact with same-sex couples and their families when providing medical care in a hospital.

A few weeks ago, my son’s kindergarten class did an assignment that made me weep.  They had been discussing diversity of families in the classroom, and then were asked to draw a depiction of their “Mirror Family” – i.e., the family they had at home – as well as their “Window Family” – another family they could imagine having that was different from their own.  Their pictures were profound, on both sides of the assignment.  There were single moms, and kids raised by grandparents, divorced families, families with moms and dads and families with two dads and two moms, adoptive families, interracial families of all sorts and numbers of siblings ranging from onlies to 20  (and yes, per the picture above, my son has two African-American dads and 15 brothers.)

It was AWESOME.  The project completely normalized every kind of family.  As a result, at this very early and impressionable age, my son and his peers talk openly about their gay parents and their adoption and their white mom and their parents splitting two homes with absolutely no stigma.  They presented these pictures at an assembly and I wept – LOUDLY – for a long time.  We have come so very far since we were kids.  (Not that there aren’t a gazillion miles to go!!)

Honestly, I’m a little ashamed to admit this, but I’ve wept maybe five times – like big juicy tears – when watching Glee. For some reason, the Christmas episodes really get me – maybe because I’m up until 2am wrapping presents and being Santa while my husband sleeps – but it is so amazing to me that our children are growing up with gay role models on TV, that children who have gay parents or are gay themselves can see themselves reflected (in that very omnipresent mirror/window) in a way that is validating, not otherized at all (they are so cool and cute and sing and kiss just like the straight kids!)  We just didn’t have that AT ALL.  We grabbed at My So Called Life with every ounce of our beings (and wrote letters when it was cancelled) and watched astounded and ecstatic (or perhaps a little disappointed?) in college when there was a first kiss on Ellen.

But now?  There’s a new generation who have not only had these media influences, but also have had peers or at least peers they’ve connected with online who have been raised by gay parents.  And you know what?  They’ve turned out great. Really great – like backbone a’plenty, really good people great.  We are in the midst of the first generation of young adults who have had a critical mass of LGBT parents and it’s time to take a temperature read.

LGBT parenting has come a long way and there’s a long way to go.  This week we have an excerpt from the book, My Two Moms authored by Zach Wahls, and he’ll answer some of our questions about his experience. At 19, Zach testified on behalf of gay marriage in front of the Iowa House Judiciary Committee. We’ll also hear from a lesbian mom in AZ who has no rights to her children. Polly Pagenhart from LesbianDad.com will be providing resources for those seeking answers.

We want to hear your thoughts – anything you want to add as an LGBT parent?  Whether LGBT or not, what are your thoughts about your children’s experience of diverse families?   Or try the “Mirror/Window” assignment with your own kid and let us know what happens in the comments below!  Can’t wait to hear from you. — Sam Kurtzman-Counter, TMC President

Share your thoughts/anecdotes/musings about this topic below in the comments section.  We’ll share one reader’s comments every week in our Friday newsletter.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out episodes of our “Ruby’s Studio” children’s video series,  along with our beautiful children’s books, apps, music, handmade dolls, and more.

Elisabeth and her girl

The greatest woman I have ever known is my own mother – she gave me a true depth and love of life, she was a mirror for me and made me accountable. She most certainly helped me to carve out a purpose with her sincerity and vision. She taught me to to have a core based in integrity.  I have tried to bring the same important lessons to my daughter Easton. Motherhood has given me peace helped me stay balanced and not sweat the small stuff. As a mother, I have tried not to burden Easton with adult stresses or any of the big stuff that keeps us up at night. As long as she feels loved and secure, everything else seems to work out.”

– Actress Elisabeth Röhm, best known for her roles as “Serena” on Law & Order, “Kate” on Angel and currently stars as “Taylor” on The Client List, serves as celebrity baby blogger for People.com and just released her new book, Babysteps. In it, Elisabeth covers her untraditional childhood, and her long journey to motherhood, with a frankness that encourages women to share their stories because “when women stop talking, women stop being heard.”@ElisabethRohm, FB:Elisabeth Rohm, and www.elisabeth-rohm.com

Denise, her mom and her kids

I’m not sure how I parent differently but I’m grateful to still have my mom parent me every day and for her to be a second mom to my 2 boys.  I guess she did something right if I want her around all the time with my kids.

– Denise Albert Co-founder, The Moms and HLN Contributor, Raising America www.themoms.com @themoms

Melissa and her family

I parent with same love, affection and dedication as my own mother.  The difference is in the play; my father was the playful one which I seemed to inherit.

– Melissa Musen Gerstein Co-founder, The Moms and HLN Contributor, Raising America www.themoms.com @themoms

Joyce and her family

I’m more playful and engaged with my kids than mothers of the prior generation, including my own.  While I don’t aim to be my children’s best friend, I do aim to share hobbies, activities and adventures with them.

– Joyce Shulman, Founder and Chief Macaroni Mom

Sharon and her kids

Quite honestly, my mom was pretty amazing so I don’t know that I parent all that differently.  I do know that my most important goal as a parent is to make sure that my kids ALWAYS know that I love them and that I’m there for them no matter what, even if I’ve just finished being mad at them for arguing for the 100th time in that day!  Their typical response to hearing those words daily is “we know mom!” but in my opinion, I’d rather be repetitive than have any regrets of words left unsaid.

– Sharon Vinderine, PTPA Founder & CEO and weekly contributor to CNN’s Raising America series

Ranny and her kids

My mom came from a completely different world than I. She grew up during the great Depression and became a wife and mother during World War II. I’m a Baby Boomer and I was fortunate to have such a secure childhood that, as a parent, I explored new ideas in raising my own children. My children were invited to be part of the decision making process rather than simply being told what to do. I never rushed to the doctor for every cold or malady like my mom did with me and my siblings. Instead, I turned to herbal remedies unless it was something serious and, in that case, we usually ended up at the emergency room. I loved my mom and appreciate her complete commitment to mothering. The things we shared in common were teaching our children to be inquisitive learners, to be resilient and to love our children unconditionally.

– Ranny Levy, Founder and President of KIDS FIRST! Coalition for Quality Children’s Media

Share your thoughts/anecdotes/musings about this topic below in the comments section.  We’ll share one reader’s comments every week in our newsletter.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out episodes of our “Ruby’s Studio” children’s video series,  along with our beautiful children’s books, apps, music, handmade dolls, and more.

LETTY COTTIN POGREBIN

The culture of motherhood in the 60s was pink and perfect. All women were supposed to have happy husbands, cheerful children, and sparkling linoleum. If we worked outside the home, we were supposed to do it all without complaint and without making demands on our children’s fathers. I sometimes used to come home from work at lunchtime to prepare dinner so my family would be able to eat together without waiting for me to cook it at the end of the workday.

There was pressure from all sides to be a stay-home mom and if you weren’t happy with full-time mothering, something was wrong with you. I remember being at a New Years Eve party in 1968 and being challenged by a group of stay-home mothers who were the wives of my husband’s college friends. They outright excoriated me for going out to work and “leaving” my three children saying, “They’re going to be scarred by your absence,” “You’re going to miss all the key moments in their development,” “A caregiver can never give children what a mother can!” ”Why did you have kids if you didn’t want to raise them?”

I defended myself on various grounds, but most notably, I remember saying, “I wouldn’t be happy if I didn’t have work of my own and if I weren’t happy, I wouldn’t be a good mother. I’d be resentful and frustrated. Because I feel my life is in balance, when I’m with my kids, I can relate to them with full energy, attention, and pleasure.”  The women poo-pooed my answers but several years later, when feminism hit big, they all either went to work or left their husbands. A few even apologized for that evening in 1968. (Parenthetically, all three of my children turned out beautifully and they all became parents themselves, which is how I’m lucky enough to have six stellar grandchildren.)

(Referencing today’s mothers) I don’t have access to a large sampling of mothers and I’m not a social scientist or a pollster but my sense is that motherhood is more fraught and challenging than it was in the 60s and 70s.  Expectations of perfection in mothering have been ratcheted up, the media has fed into the frenzy of competitive mothering, and the stresses on women have increased exponentially due to the economic downturn and the demands of technology.  (As we used to say in the early days of the women’s movement: ‘what every mother needs is a wife.’ )

Many women work long hours on two jobs — a paid job, which often exceeds a 9 to 5 schedule, and the unpaid job of fulfilling family responsibilities.  Further, In today’s world, there are many more single mothers holding it all together without a partner to share the burdens or the wage-earning.  As for technology, on the one hand, it has connected mothers and allowed them to share their experiences and advice via blogs, Twitter, and Facebook, which is a good thing.  On the other hand, it has added a new layer of musts and shoulds, as mothers feel the pressure to keep in constant touch with their friends and constituencies, stay abreast of the next big thing, and monitor their kids’ time, and use of electronics and the internet.

Bottom line: mothers of the 21st century need child care, more time to themselves and more respect than is accorded to them just one day a year.

SUZANNE BRAUN LEVINE

During those years, the notion of motherhood was fraught, to say the least. Much of what we in the women’s movement were rebelling against was the role of mother as we had experienced it growing up.  We were very hard on our own mothers who were, in truth, victims as well as examples of the “Father Knows Best” mystique of family life in the fifties. When we became mothers, we were determined to give our children more reality, more freedom and more choices. Although we may have been involved in our work and spent less time with them, we believed it was “quality time.” We hoped the model of mother we were providing  was a more self-fulfilled woman who was engaged in the world and building an egalitarian family structure. Needless to say it didn’t always work out that way, but we did raise children who understand what we were aiming for and who are connected to us in comfortable and honest ways – a very different relationship  from the one we had with our parents.  As parents, though, they seem to see family life as less a work in progress and more a top priority. For them, a parent – still usually mother – at home with the children is a cornerstone of family life. They are making real choices which is what we raised them to do, even if they are rejecting some of the choices we made.

Letty Cottin Pogrebin is a founding editor of Ms. magazine and the author of ten books, including Growing Up Free, a guide to nonsexist childrearing (1980), and most recently, How to be a Friend to a Friend that’s Sick (April, 2013).

Suzanne Braun Levine was the first editor of Ms. magazine (1972-1988) and editor of the Columbia Journalism Review. She reports on the ongoing changes in women’s lives in her books, on television, radio, lectures and on her website. Her first e-book: You Gotta Have Girlfriends: A Post-Fifty Posse Is Good For Your Health  is the fourth chapter in her on-going celebration of women in second adulthood which she began with Inventing the Rest of Our Lives.

Share your thoughts/anecdotes/musings about this topic below in the comments section.  We’ll share one reader’s comments every week in our newsletter.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out episodes of our “Ruby’s Studio” children’s video series,  along with our beautiful children’s books, apps, music, handmade dolls, and more.

Three years ago The Mother Company launched with the hope and aim to provide modern-day mamas (including ourselves) a variety of tools to help us raise GOOD PEOPLE.  We know it’s not easy! We’re right there with you. All around the world, we’re hearing from mothers struggling and rejoicing – doing the best they can for their children. Here’s a sampling of what you’ve shared with us in reaction to some of our most popular in-depth expert interviews. Please keep your valuable comments coming. We love hearing from you.

From CJ: “I was raised in a household where there were constant demands, lots of shouting and no understanding of the way a child’s mind works. It made me a very troubled teen, I had no respect at all for my mother who parented me in the way that you have outlined it should be done, and I became a very angry adult. I still have trouble regulating my emotions and not entering fight or flight BUT I hope that with the help of people like Dr Markham (& by not doing what my mum did) I can stop history repeating itself.” — Comment posted to “What Happens When Parents Yell at Children,” an interview with Dr. Laura Markham

From Michelle King: “Thanks so much for your inspirational story. I am also raising a child in pink. However, although biologically male, prefers to be called she and live as a girl. We had a really tough time crossing the barrier at school, though. Admittedly it was a tough inner city school, but like you, we had hoped for the best. Our child in pink had a really rough day and wet all over the dress, because she was not permitted to use the girl’s restroom. We have since pulled her out of school and are looking for a better fit. It is great to hear that others are having better experiences.” — Comment posted to “Raising a Boy In Pink,” an essay by mother and writer, Sarah Hoffman

From Rebecca: What do you suggest for grandparents who undermined parents with issues involving safety and personal space (children’s)? We are trying to work with my in-Laws, but safety isn’t something we will compromise on and talking about it so far has only resulted in either being ignored or fighting. Thank you for this article. Its not often people have positive approaches to real issues. — Comment (and expert reply) posted to “When Grandparents are Less than Grand,” an interview with Amy Goyer

From Erin MacMillan-Ramirez: “It is so refreshing to read about another only child family. My husband and I are constantly assaulted by friends, family and strangers about our decision to have only one child….I feel guilty whenever I land a great gig and have to spend time away from my son. I feel guilty when I have to travel to a set and spend even a minute away from my son. I feel guilty for enjoying alone time when my son is in school….There are three exceptions to all of this judgement. My Mother, my Grandmother and my Mother-In-Law. They completely understand why my husband and I only want one child. They secretly feel guilty whenever they talk about how their education level, job opportunities and income levels would have been much different if they had stopped at one child.” — Comment posted to “Choosing to Have an Only Child,” an essay by Heidi Lindelof

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out episodes of our “Ruby’s Studio” children’s video series,  along with our beautiful children’s books, apps, music, handmade dolls, and more.

An interview with Michelle Janning

When my mom and I stroll through a bookstore, and come upon an entire section of tomes devoted to parenting methodology, she is baffled. She tells me all she and her friends had for guidance was Dr. Spock. The difference in parenting resources between our mother’s generation and ours isn’t the only thing that sets us apart. What about discipline style? Community? Childcare availability? Culture? Michelle Janning, Senior Research Fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families and Associate Professor of sociology at Whitman College, has research-backed insight into the parenting differences between mom’s generation and ours. – Laurel Moglen, Managing Web Editor, TMC

What kind of parenting resources did mothers of the 60′s/70′s have compared to today’s mothers?

We see an increase in parenting resources today, in the form of self-help books, expert guides to raising children (my husband and I alternated between the medical research-based book and the “baby-whisperer” book), online resources (such as yours!), parenting classes in school districts and via non-profit organizations, mandated parenting resources for controversial court cases where children need assistance, and an increase in the availability of degrees and certifications in early childhood education programs (which used to be housed under the auspices of home economics. My mom majored in home ec, graduated in 1962, and then became our Minnesota town’s first director of a new Early Childhood Education program).  But with this increase, we also see a gap between those who can and cannot afford to use the resources, which often take time and money to access.  And we see an increase in the pressure that mothers feel to fit into an idealized form of motherhood that is sometimes presented in these kinds of resources.  What is good that is happening is that parenting classes and other resources include advice about how to set realistic goals as parents, in order to combat the power of those ideals.

How has community between mothers changed?

Formal and informal groups of mothers have gathered for years and years to share stories and advice about their motherhood roles.  What has changed is the location and make-up of this kind of community:  moms’ groups are around, groups of mothers may join informally at a particular workplace in order to find a collective set of ways to manage work and family. There’s also the increase in the number of dads’ groups resulting from more dads taking on primary parenting roles.

What about childcare options?

I’d say this is really dependent on where you live and what you can afford.  I live in a rural area, and finding infant care is nearly impossible, which makes parents piece together child care in ways that make work success challenging. It’s also expensive, since we don’t have much in the way of subsidies for families whose children are in child care centers. But it is true that there are more types of child care available than in the past. The variation in quality is huge in the U.S., where much of it is privatized. So parents have more choice about the type of child care they may want, but whether they can access it depends on where they live and whether they can afford it. Of course, since women have increased their participation in the paid workforce, there is less stigma attached to having children in paid child care settings, and men have increased their participation in the home. But these trends have not happened at the same pace (men have not picked up the share of domestic responsibilities at the same rate that women have picked up the share of wage-earning responsibilities).  As a result, care work in the home is still more likely to fall into the hands of women. However, now women are more likely to be paid caregivers in child care centers or in-home daycare than used to be the case.  And these caregivers are often not paid well relative to the median income in the U.S.

How about discipline styles?

Yes, this has changed, at least in terms of the type of parenting and discipline style that is most favored by early learning experts.  Diane Baumrind’s work a few decades ago, as well as more contemporary models of parenting (e.g., Love and Logic) provided a basis for the model of today’s authoritative parenting — not too permissive, and not too authoritarian.  Authoritative parenting suggests children are participants in the discussion about expectations, responsibilities, and any discipline that may occur.  Parents have authority, but children are treated as partners in the process, often included in parenting deliberations, in order to build self-esteem in the child.  For example, using time-outs where children are to reflect on what they’ve done and how it could be prevented in the future, demonstrates their participation in the process.  Also, researchers have suggested that focusing on children’s behaviors as problematic, rather than on them as problematic beings, is the preferred focus for parents.  Spanking is not universally viewed as problematic or non-problematic, but authoritative parenting would suggest that if spanking is used, it needs to be paired with concrete connection to a specific action that a child has done, and it must not be done in such a way that the parent is doing it out of anger. The authoritative approach is relatively new compared to the 60’s/70’s.  During the 60’s/70’s parents were more likely to perceive themselves the authority figure, above kids, that kids were to listen to and obey directives from parents, and that the definition of care for kids included emotional care but more emphasis on respect. This was challenged by young people in the civil rights movement and other movements wherein authority was challenged.  Also, parenting was more clearly women’s work.

Digging a little deeper, what about parenting styles?

Annette Lareau wrote a book called Unequal Childhoods, where she discusses different parenting styles that relate, at least to some extent, to social class. For middle class families, we see an increased emphasis on something she calls “concerted cultivation” — cultivating skills and habits in children that will serve them well later in their educational and work paths. Ensuring that kids are scheduled in multiple activities, managing full calendars, knowing how to communicate with authority figures, being really involved in children’s lives (where the negative term “helicopter parent” comes from) and structuring children’s lives to fit it all in. All this to serve to get children used to life in college and the workplace, especially if they seek professional or managerial careers.  Children whose parents are less able to afford time and money for scheduled (and sometimes expensive) activities such as sports, camps, arts, or other enrichment programs foster what Lareau calls “the development of natural growth” — where kids have more free time and more independence, but perhaps less opportunity for experiences that lead to school and work success.  If you think about change over time, independence and freedom for kids (riding bikes in the neighborhood, having free time after school, playing in unstructured settings as opposed to having “play dates”) is something that people who grew up in the 1970s or earlier would say they had more than today’s kids have.  Now whether kids have this kind of independence and freedom seems to be more related to social class.

In general, how are kids today experiencing childhood differently from kids back then?

I see two big areas where childhood has changed:  technological consumption and safety.  Partly because parents are more likely than in the past to have both parents working, and because the acquisition of “stuff” so saturates our society, the amount of toys and technological devices that children have and use has increased tremendously.  Some argue this relates to increased childhood obesity. Some argue this relates to children’s decreased abilities to effectively communicate in written or oral forms.  Some argue that children are actually better off because they have learned better multi-tasking skills than their parents have, and they see how solutions to problems can come from using technology in creative ways.  In any case, technology has changed childhood.  In terms of safety, and based on my observational experience in Copenhagen, Denmark for six months last year, parents in the U.S. (relative to Scandinavian and other countries today, AND relative to the past in our own country) are more FEARFUL for their children’s well-being than previous generations.  Heightened media focus on tragedies that involve children creates a culture in which fear is more common than trust in a community.  I believe it also affects parents’ desires to control their children’s use of time (see concerted cultivation above) than in the past.

In general how was motherhood perceived back then compared to now?

In short, fathers are doing more, but mothers still attach more guilt to not performing traditional roles, and are still scrutinized about their combinations of career and motherhood.  My co-author Helen Brambrink and I have an article coming out this year in the Journal of Family Issues, wherein we interviewed parents about their management of family photographs.  Everyone we studied felt overwhelmed with how to manage their tens of thousands of digital photos. Young fathers were more likely than older fathers to participate in family photo taking, management, and sharing.  But mothers were more likely than fathers to feel the responsibility to manage the taking, organizing, and sharing of family photos because they saw it as part of the duties associated with motherhood.  They see these as duties because they feel pressure from different places (e.g., media, friends, work colleagues, and themselves) to fulfill them.  Here, then, in this kind of family experience, we see a lag between the actions related to parenting and family roles (dads doing more) and the attitudes related to parenting and family roles (moms still feeling more pressure).

If you had a crystal ball, how do you think the next generation of mother’s will be emotionally different than ours? Will they feel as much of the guilt, and sense of responsibility as we do?

First, ideological change — specifically, whether gender role expectations will change. As long as women are socialized into being primary parents more so than men, when that role is not fulfilled there may be feelings of guilt.  Second, structural change — whether workplaces will become increasingly flexible with regard to parental leave, flex time, creative use of work space, and innovative ways to figure out productivity (besides face time).  These factors will affect whether parents feel as if their parenting and work roles are in conflict.  And third, the future (at least for heterosexual women) will very much be affected at the interpersonal level — whether fathers or male partners continue to increase their involvement in child care out of desire to be involved parents.  I think the next generation of fathers will be more likely than their fathers to feel guilty if they are not able to be involved parents. But I also think that women’s sense of guilt will depend on whether their partners share the parenting responsibilities.

Michelle Janning is Senior Research Fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families and Associate Professor of sociology at Whitman College. Her most recent research has been in the areas of popular culture representation of families, gender and home decorating television, motherhood and family photo management, early learning, and divorce and material culture. You can check out her blog, Mellem (danish for, “between”). She has a nine year old son.

Share your thoughts/anecdotes/musings about this topic below in the comments section.  We’ll share one reader’s comments every week in our newsletter.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out episodes of our “Ruby’s Studio” children’s video series,  along with our beautiful children’s books, apps, music, handmade dolls, and more.

Click above to send your mom or any mothers in your life Mother’s Day eCards, and enter for your chance to win!  Find more adorable eCards on our Pinterest board! Happy Mother’s Day!