An interview with Dr. Laura Markham
After I conducted this insightful interview about what happens when parents yell at their children, I promptly ignored all of Dr. Laura Markham’s practical advice. In fact, it took a couple of “opportunities” for me to pause, and put her guidance into practice. Once I did, something magical happened. My kids responded so positively, creating a more peaceful and respectful environment. Her wisdom, put into action, works. — Laurel Moglen, TMC, Managing Web Editor
Join us for a twitter chat with Dr. Laura Markham!
MONDAY, MARCH 11TH AT 11AMPST/2PMEST
She’ll answer questions about yelling at our children. Please click here to find-out more.
Sometimes we feel like kids don’t pay attention until we yell — is that an effective way to get their attention?
Parents should consider that when they yell, they’re training their children they aren’t serious until they raise their voices.
For example:
Imagine your child is playing with his legos. You’re in another room, and call out, “Your bath is ready; please get in!” He ignores you. You remind him, and your voice gets sharper. He doesn’t respond. Now, aggravated, you yell and storm about, “How many times do I have to ask you to do something before you listen?!” By the third time your child realizes you’re serious.
This scenario can be avoided. Instead of parents working themselves into a frenzy, they need to take the time to handle the situation differently. This can be tough, especially after a long or rough day. But, the time parents take to ease their children into doing something they don’t want to do is well worth the effort. The alternative, struggling to get your child to do something, is a longer, more arduous process, and causes more stress for both parent and child.
So, instead, parents need to walk over, touch their child gently on the arm, (hand or leg, etc.) and say, “Wow – look what you’re doing.” Now the parent is taking an interest. Meanwhile, your child is basking in your love and feeling that you’re really noticing him. The connection he’s feeling to you initiates the biological system that is normal and natural between parent and child, creating that tight bond. In fact, this is what keeps the human race going. If kids feel parents have their best interest at heart (and paying attention sure makes them feel like you do), the child is willing to follow their parent.
Next, after a couple of minutes of really noticing your child’s project, you can say calmly, “Hey, I really need your attention right now. It’s time to take a bath.”
Your child might groan.
You say, “I know. It’s hard to stop what you’re doing.” (You’re showing empathy.)
If you’ve carved out enough time for the child to have some wiggle room you can say, “Do you want to take a bath right now or in five minutes?” Your child says, “In five minutes.” That’s an agreement to take a bath, even if he’s delaying it for a few minutes. You say, “Okay, five minutes. But I want to make sure we have a deal. Five minutes and no fuss?” Your child agrees. You say “It might still be hard for you in five minutes…How can we make this work for you?”
Your child might say “Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll be ready to take my bath then.” Or your child may not have any ideas, in which case the parent can say “How about this? In five minutes, we’ll work together to put the lego vehicles you’ve finished up on the shelf and the rest back in the bin. Will you want to fly one of them up to the bathroom?” You’re helping him see the transition ahead, and making clear that this is really going to happen. Then you smile and say, “Okay, shake on it.”
In five minutes, you go back and notice the progress the child has made. You say, “I know it’s hard, but we said five minutes and no fuss. You can do this tomorrow. Now, it’s bath time. Come on, let’s fly this one up to the bathroom!” You start walking with him.
Again, taking this route of communication/discipline takes more effort than blowing your top. But once you use this practice consistently with your kids, after about two months, they’ll just sigh and comply.
Another bonus is the child develops self-discipline. Every time he forgoes what he wants to do in favor of what you want him to do, your child is exercising his prefrontal cortex. That’s the part of his brain that gives him the ability to give up what he wants for something that’s more important to him. That’s the beginning of self-discipline, so that he can choose to do homework instead of surfing the web when he gets a bit older. He’s also learning to want to cooperate.
Can you take us inside a kid’s head — what is s/he experiencing when their parent or primary caregiver yells at them?
When you get yelled at, how does it feel? It’s likely hard to breath, you might feel flush, a tingling. Humans, when yelled or screamed at, tend to go into fight, flight, or freeze mode.
When kids go into fight, flight, or freeze mode, their learning and ability to absorb information shuts down.
Now, picture being a kid and looking up at someone who is four times your size. This person that’s glaring down at you is someone, who without them, you would die. You know, on some level, that your survival depends on this person. You will apologize or do whatever you need to do to make this person stop yelling.
Some children will give up if they’ve been yelled at too much. They learn to harden their heart to you because their trusted bond to their parent is broken. Once that happens the child will no longer try to please you. This is the child that will likely grow into a troubled teenager and possibly adult as well.
What happens inside a parent, when they lose control and yell?
When parents experience something unbearable again, like your child has peed on the floor, or hit the baby, or didn’t clean up her room when you asked her to — parents bump up against their threshold. Then, many parents go into this cascade of worry and anger. Every little dark spot in our lives gets blown up and exacerbated in our minds, and we go into survival mode. The mental gymnastics begin: I have a terrible child; I must be a terrible mother. Our sense of self is in peril, and we go into fight, flight, or freeze mode.
If we go into fight mode, we become enraged and we do what every other mammal does, we lash out — yelling, hitting, or dragging a child to the time-out. (Dogs growl and bark.)
After we’ve exploded, we feel as if, okay, at least we’ve done something.
But what would happen if we didn’t freak-out?
What if we stopped, took a deep breath, and recognized our feelings. Maybe you say something to shift your thinking: She’s three. She won’t do this when she’s six. She’s acting like a three year old because she’s a three year old. Take a moment to ask yourself, is this an emergency? Most likely the answer will be “no.”
So, instead you might say, “Wow, you peed on the floor. What happened? Let’s go into the bathroom. That’s where pee goes. Soon you’ll be able to do this. Let’s go clean up the pee.”
At the end of this, what does he want to do? He wants to use the toilet. He also feels close to you.
Yelling makes us feel temporarily better. It can also be addictive because it actually helps us squash our painful feelings down (like eating when nervous). But if you actually take a moment to experience your emotions, the feelings will dissipate.
Parents need to go under their anger to find-out what the true source feeling is, and this takes practice. You can let the feelings flood you. You’ll likely feel a wave of disappointment and/or sadness. Lots of different emotions and images come up. Typically, the source feelings under anger are fear, disappointment, or sadness. Breathe your way through them. This will help them dissolve, and you won’t dump them on your child.
What kind of effect does yelling have on the parent-child relationship?
Your kids lose respect for you. They decide you aren’t on their side so they’re less likely to follow your guidance.
Also, when you yell, you model that yelling is how adults handle frustration and resolve conflict. When they want to feel more in control and grown-up, they will do it by yelling. Yelling trains children to yell back.
Additionally, when you yell, you’re foisting your yucky feelings on your child. That’s an irresponsible thing to do, it’s not in the child’s best interest, and it doesn’t help the child change their behavior anyway.
Is there any benefit for parents to yell into a pillow or something? Is there something about yelling that can be helpful?
No, not really. When you hit a pillow or yell into it, you are convincing yourself and your body that there’s an emergency.
A note: It’s never useful to work something out with someone when you’re angry. If you do get to your boiling point with your child, tell her you need to take a time-out, because you feel too angry to communicate respectfully.
If it’s a bedtime issue – work-in some roughhousing before the bath, not right before bedtime so it doesn’t keep your child awake.
If you find you’re screaming too much and exhausting yourself, then you have to start asking questions about how to solve the problem.
Is it okay for parents to warn their kids, “I feel like I’m gonna yell if X,Y, Z doesn’t happen?”
Yes. It’s good. You’re noticing your feelings and describing them. Any time we bring consciousness to our emotional state, it gives us the choice of how to react. Will we take the high road or low road? Recognition of feelings gives us the time to allow us to shift gears.
Also, you’re modeling responsible anger management. The wisdom is how to deal with it.
For example:
You say, “I’m starting to get really angry. We’re in the car, and you’re noisy. I can’t concentrate, and that’s unsafe while I’m driving.” Then, many parents think with that warning, they get to yell if the behavior doesn’t change. But no. You warned your kids, and you warned yourself. So, let’s say the kids’ behavior doesn’t change.
Especially if you’re driving, you need to pull over. You take some breaths. You turn around and you say, “I stopped the car because I was so upset and it wasn’t safe for me to drive.” Ask your kids, “What can you do so that I can drive safely? My job is to stay calm.” By listening to their suggestions, you teach them about being responsible, and that they have a job to do to make sure everything in the family works.
Note: Your child is never responsible for your actions and feelings. But your child can be empowered knowing they have a huge impact on the people around them. Just like parents, your child can make any dynamic better or worse.
The good news is, the problems we have are usually recurring, so parents get another chance if they didn’t handle the situation as well as they would have liked. Your child will push your buttons again!
A nice ritual for parents is to review the day and ask themselves how they can do it differently next time. It creates emotional muscle memory. Think about the interaction with your child, and imagine yourself handling it more calmly next time. The next opportunity, you’ll build on what you did today.
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and when after one has gone through your process of negotiation to the same end result of the child not willing to do what is required? And is yelling themselves red in the face?
The child is yelling themselves red in the face, even though the parent is not yelling? That doesn’t usually happen when kids don’t grow up with yelling, unless the child is a toddler. With a toddler, you stay close and say “You are so upset…Daddy’s right here….you’re safe.” Once your toddler gets all those tears and fears out of her system, she will either fall asleep (meaning the meltdown was spurred by exhaustion) or she will be much happier and more cooperative, in which case she will be ready for her bath.
If you have an older child who has been trained to yell by the parents yelling at her, then it does take some transitional time to set up the new expectations. Basically, you have to stick to your limit in a kind, calm way. When your child protests, you keep your sense of humor and insist. Kids know perfectly well who is the boss, and if you continue to insist that it’s time for a bath, or whatever, your child will do it.
It’s when we start yelling that kids lose respect for us and start challenging our authority. So when we stop yelling, we have to regain that respect. But you’ll see changes within a couple of weeks, as your child starts feeling more “heard” and being more cooperative.
You stand your ground. The child is probably yelling because they have seen that behavior or they have yelled until they got what they wanted in the past. You will have to try and try again. Don’t back down. Leave a LOT of wiggle room.
Perfectly said! Thank you!
I have a question what do you suggest a parent does when they are out in public or they need something to be done immediately and five minutes is not an option?
It’s true that we don’t always have time to give warnings, empathize, etc. But if we do that most of the time, our kids come to believe we’re on their side, and they are more likely to cooperate the rest of the time.
Preventive maintenance is essential to keep our kids out of the breakdown lane. That means making sure that we stay connected enough to our child that they WANT to follow our lead. If we do that, kids are more likely to follow our direction, even during those stressful times in public.
I need to add, though, that being in public is no reason not to parent this way. So, for instance, if your child doesn’t want to leave the playground, this same approach would be very helpful. Or if your child wants a toy at the store, even when you have warned him that you won’t be buying one, you could use a similar approach. You might admire the toy and empathize with his desire for it. You might offer to write it down on a list for his birthday, so he at least has some hope that someday he might get it. And then you would help him wave goodbye to the toy and leave the store.
Notice that in all these cases, the parent still gets what the parent needs: a child who takes his bath, or leaves the playground, or does not get a new toy. The child learns that he can’t always get what he wants, but he gets something better: someone who understands, no matter what. Don’t we all wish we could have had that, growing up?
I like this, but what happens when the child grows up, is accustomed to gentle negotiations, and runs into life? It’s not going to be that gentle.
Thank you for this post.
Cesar,
Kids who get yelled at learn fear or rebellion, neither of which is a good strategy to function in the world. Kids who get used to respectful negotiations and looking for win/win solutions get good at that, which is a great way to function in the world.
I’m not sure what you mean when you say it isn’t going to be that gentle in the world, because in fact when you’re civil, the world tends to be civil back. When you’re used to things spiraling into upset feelings, that tends to get the other person upset, also.
If you’re wondering how kids learn to stand up for themselves, that isn’t an issue at all with kids raised this way. They are used to being respected, and they carry themselves with dignity. They don’t let themselves get pushed around, and they stand their ground appropriately, because they’ve been raised to!
I’d like to join with Concerned Parent- what do you do there? I’ve been reading your book for almost a week now and it’s done wonders in our home! But my 3 year old still has moments when we don’t have any wiggle room with time, suggestions?
Susanna- Yes, those are the moments that try parents’ souls, aren’t they? Sometimes, there is nothing you can do except force your child into his carseat, for instance. But here’s the thing. Every time you do that, you’re teaching him that sometimes force is okay. So every time you do that, you can expect push-back in the form of contrary behavior later that day. So do it when you really have no choice, and try to avoid it at other times. Be aware that you’ll have to make up for it by connecting more with your child to return the relationship to a positive balance where your child will WANT to cooperate with you. It’s like overdrawing your bank account — you pay a fine and have to work harder to refill the account. And if you end up using force a lot, then it means you need to go back to basics, use more empathy, connect more, get more giggling in, etc — all in advance of those moments when you won’t have any wiggle room. I’m so glad my book has “done wonders” in your home!
Yelling doesn’t prepare children for adult life. How long would you work at a job where your boss yelled at you? Or would you yell at anyone else in your life (coworker, friend, employee) and expect results or an improved connection with that person?
Hi, love your post and agree wholeheartedly! I’m concerned with what to do when my child hurts my younger child. I have a three-year-old and a 16-month-old and we just cannot figure out how to get him to understand it’s not acceptable to hurt/throw things at/push his brother. We’ve tried so many things; telling him it isnt safe, trying to explain it hurts, etc. and yet he still does it! I find myself getting so frustrated that I go to the place of wanting to yell!
Kristen- Of course you feel like yelling when someone hits your baby — even if it is your other child! This is really the hardest thing, I think. Doesn’t sound like it’s working to try to convince your three year old rationally not to hurt his brother. His frontal cortex isn’t very developed yet and he has some big feelings of wanting to trounce his rival, even if at times he feels tenderly toward his brother.
So I think the most effective intervention will be to help your son process some of the tears and fears that are most likely fueling his aggression. Most of the time when kids hit, it comes from fear. Why is he afraid? Most likely because he’s worried you don’t love him as much as that newer, younger model you felt it was necessary to replace him with.
If you can give your son help to surface and express those feelings, he won’t need to act them out. Of course, he won’t be able to express them in words. But if he can either laugh or cry, the emotions will dissipate, and the aggression will, also. Are you doing daily roughhousing with him? Have you tried the Fix game to convince him you still adore him? (I know you do, but you can’t blame him for being worried.) Here’s a link about the Fix game: http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/play_with_child_fix_game/
There are a lot of suggestions in Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids about how to help kids process their emotions so they are happier, more cooperative — and not so inclined to bop their siblings. If you haven’t read it, you might want to check it out at your local bookstore. Good luck!
Kristen, another option is to give your three year old something to take care of. Kids at this age can feel “out-talked” sometimes, and will shut out your words. Boys don’t usually like dolls, of course, but if he has an object (or animal, if you can find a patient one) that requires him to treat it gently, he will develop an understanding of how to treat his brother.
Also, and this can be a hard switch to make, don’t just say no. Give him a positive alternative. If he wants the toy the baby has, teach him how to “swap.” If he hits, respond immediately, but also show him how to touch the baby correctly. Instead of just saying “No”, say and show “Do this, instead.”
I stopped reading when the advice was to begin negotiating. This is a perfect example of what is wrong with our society. Kids are too coddled and also expect to be treated as if we, the parent, are conversing with another adult. If I tell my kid “Go get your Jammies and go take your shower.”, I fully expect my child to comply immediately. I do not expect nor will I tolerate an argument, whining, or negotiations. If they don’t do it they know they are going to get in trouble. And you know what I say? YOU chose to disobey me and there will be consequences. You are setting your kids up for ultimate failure if you buy into and believe this type of parenting. You are creating an environment in which they EXPECT to always be seen, heard, empathized with, negotiated with, etc. Do you have any idea the dynamic that sets for a classroom of thirty kids and one teacher? What about when they are in college or in the work force? Their boss tells them they have a deadline but they try to negotiate or wiggle their way around it because they grew up believing that their opinion ALWAYS mattered and there was always room for negotiation. That isn’t reality for adults and it certainly shouldn’t be reality for kids. Stop raising spoiled, entitled, kids and start raising children that understand their place and that mediocre does not mean excellent.
You say, “You are creating an environment in which they EXPECT to always be seen, heard, empathized with, negotiated with, etc.” – Isn’t that what we should all be able to expect? But more accurately, I would say you are teaching the child that they are WORTHY of all these things. Your child also learns how to deal with losing a negotiation other than by disengaging, yelling or physical resistance.
If you do not deal with your child in this way, your child may learn to believe that they do not deserve to be treated in a respectful way.
You may believe this is a good thing, as it makes children easier to “manage” for a time. But when does the child learn to stop viewing themselves that way and demand to be treated as a fully formed adult? Probably never. Instead they may become insecure pleasers, who need someone else to tell them what to do and how to be, and only know if they’re “good” if someone else tells them they are. Or they learn that the person with the loudest voice and most aggressive position will always prevail, and choose to be that person. Neither sound like a suitable outcome of parenting to aspire to.
LP,
I hope Dr. Laura responds to you. I think you are missing the point. It’s about having mutual respect and empathy. Children are deserving of being treated in a respectful manner. You will find that when you are respectful to them, they are respectful to you. Also, this type of parenting teaches children to manage their emotions no matter what life brings their way. This is also a foundation. As they get older,you can teach them about what to expect in “real life”. This is because when you respect and empathize, children are more likely to come to YOU with their problems instead of their friends. You want your children to come to you with anything, right? When you are controlling, demanding and dis-respectful of their feelings, it teaches them they don’t have access to you. In my opinion, too many of us were raised in the “do as I say or else” manner and have trouble dealing with our emotions and instead react on them. That is what is wrong with society today. If everyone knew how to manage themselves and their emotions, we wouldn’t have so much hate, anger, jealousy etc. Why do you think all we hear about is someone shooting others or abusing someone in some way? It’s because they haven’t been heard and taught how to deal with their big feelings. I urge you to finish reading this article and then read some of Dr. Markham’s links on her Aha Parenting website, get fully informed and then if you still feel that way…..it’s your family and your decision.
LP – you sound wound up & I don’t want to add to that, however I want to tell you that I was raised in a household where there were constant demands, lots of shouting and no understanding of the way a child’s mind works. It made me a very troubled teen, I had no respect at all for my mother who parented me in the way that you have outlined it should be done, and I became a very angry adult. I still have trouble regulating my emotions and not entering fight or flight BUT I hope that with the help of people like Dr Markham (& by not doing what my mum did) I can stop history repeating itself. Ultimately I get the impression that you didn’t pick up on the subtle fact that it’s not about letting your child change what they are being asked to do or get out of something, it’s more about engaging in a way that achieves the end result without the conflict – as Dr Markham says, in 2 months they’ll just do what you ask, they will know you respect them and they will love and respect you all the more for it.
LP- I understand that many parents expect their child to comply immediately with their instructions, and that’s the end of the discussion, because they’re the authority figure. In fact, the research on that kind of child-raising is very clear. Kids don’t become as self disciplined, or develop the ability to think for themselves, because the discipline is always coming from outside them. They often rebel. They are more susceptible to peer pressure because to them that mean girl Queen Bee in the eight grade is an authority figure.
That doesn’t mean permissive parenting works. If we just cave to our kids’ demands, they also don’t learn self-discipline, obviously. I think I made clear in the interview that the parent sets whatever limits are necessary.
There is a sweet spot. When we set limits, but give kids support to meet those limits, kids develop self-discipline. Those are the kids that teachers love, that meet every deadline, that contribute to any workplace or organization. The research is clear on this, and also on the fact that these kids are happier.
By the way, I raised my own children this way. Because they were respected, they respect others. Because they were heard, they listen to others. Because they were empathized with, they empathize with others. My kids are now 17 and 21. I have a number of notes sent to me by their teachers over the years, just spontaneous notes that were not part of report cards, telling me how wonderful my kids were to have in their class. Why? Because they modeled responsible behavior and finding win/win solutions with the other kids. Isn’t that the kind of citizens we want to raise?
Finally, your comment that we should raise children who “understand their place” gives me the chills. What place is that, exactly? Every child deserves to be raised with love, so that he or she grows into a loving adult, ready to make a positive contribution to the world.
Thank you for responding. I grew up in a home where there was constant demand and no thoughts for me. Wiggle room and negotiation is necessary, and often, when you give the room and the chance for negotiation, children react better because they trust that you will listen to them if they need to be listened to.
Love your post!!!!
I have been reading this with great interest as I find it very difficult to cope when my daughter (23 months) cries or has tantrums. This morning she didn’t want to go to nursery so I tried to comfort her for a while and tell her how much fun she’d be having once we got there (she does enjoy it). She continued being upset so I picked her up and put her in her pram against her will, she started screaming hysterically. I then yelled at her to stop crying (she went into “freeze” mode, then more crying). I have been feeling awful about this incident all day, also because it is not the first time it has happened. Not to shift the blame, but I realise that my mother did this to me too. She was a very loving mother (sadly she died last year very soon after I had my daughter). I think I had buried this memory but recently remembered she would yell at me when I cried and call me a ‘cry baby’, she also sometimes threatened to slap me if I didn’t do something (though she NEVER ever did). I loved my mother very much and I know she loved me too, I miss her incredibly and I know she would be an amazing grandmother to my daughter if she were alive. I hate myself for yelling at my daughter and I absolutely must stop this behaviour before I really scare her (I am also very loving to her the rest of the time, just like my mother was). I must learn to stay calm and take more time to do things at my daughter’s pace, even though it is not always possible. How can I do this?
The hardest part of parenting is that we have to regulate our own emotions, if we want to be the parent our child deserves. And, I should add, if we want to model emotional regulation for our child, so that she learns it. You don’t want your daughter screaming at her own daughter, I know.
When your daughter is crying, it pushes your buttons. But where did those buttons come from? Your own childhood. It plunges you right back into that terrible feeling you had when your own mother yelled and threatened you. How scary to have your loving mother suddenly transform into a threatening witch!
So when your daughter cries, it triggers all the feelings you felt then, and you’re plunged into fight, flight or freeze. If you can tolerate the upset WITHOUT taking action — without yelling at your daughter — the feelings will swamp you and feel just awful….but then they will go away. And the next time it happens they will be much weaker. Until at some point, your daughter will be able to cry and you won’t be upset by it.
Which is wonderful, because in fact kids do cry, and do need to cry, and deserve to be able to cry without us screaming at them for crying. It’s really okay to cry. It isn’t the end of the world. It is nature’s way of helping us express an emotion that otherwise will get repressed and drive compulsive behavior, like overeating later in life.
So I suggest that you find yourself a mantra, like “It’s okay for her to have feelings…she needs to show them to me..I can listen to her tell me about her upset, and that will help her move past it.” When you empathize, she will cry harder. That’s what we all do when we find a sympathetic ear. But after awhile, you’ll find she doesn’t cry hysterically any more. She doesn’t need to. She knows she has someone who will listen to whatever she needs to say, even if she can’t articulate it in words. She no longer has to scream to be heard.
Oh wow, thank you. I have a daughter who is still an infant, but I have to admit, the stress and such of just her basic crying does get to me. Reading this helped a lot. I know, now that she is getting older, people are starting to make comments about me “spoiling” her because I answer every cry and rarely make her cry for more than a few minutes, unless she starts when I am in the bathroom or something.
I don’t feel that I am spoiling her. Her only real way to communicate with at this point is through crying and other vocalizations. Why would I not respond to her? I was trying to explain this concept to someone, and they just keep telling me I will have a brat in the long run. Oy vey.
Yes, I heard those same comments. Today my children are the opposite of “spoiled.” They are considerate, responsible, motivated, happy. I began doing this work precisely to give support against those kinds of comments, because I so needed that support as a young mother.
now what to do about my compulsive overeating over my repressed emotions? seriously.
You have to notice the feelings as they come up and sit with them. It feels awful. Fear, pain, grief. Cry if you need to. Don’t take any action — food, screens, fighting with someone, reviewing in your mind why someone else is wrong. Just sit and breathe and feel the feelings, and they start to evaporate. Then you don’t even need to pacify yourself with food. Every time you do it, it gets easier. Good luck!
These ideas work well with my 4 year old, who I’ve raised this way from the start. However, I’m having difficulty implementing them with my 11 year old. I have focused a lot on connection with him over the past year…he says I love you and wants a hug/kiss before he leaves for school, he asks me to lie with him for 5 minutes or so at night to chat, shares a lot with me about what’s going on at school with friends and such, etc. We’ve made a pact in our home that when someone gets really angry and is NOT expressing that anger in a respectful way (i.e. they start yelling, calling names, hitting, etc), they will take some “settling down” time in their room…usually just for 5-15 minutes, depending on how upset they are. Usually I am the one he is upset with, and often he is taking it out on me as well as his siblings. He will not go to his room on his own…I always have to ask him to take a break to cool down, then to rejoin the rest of us and try again. I also typically determine how long he should stay in his room, because in the past when I’ve said to come out when he feels he’s calmed down, he’ll reappear in a minute or two and still be quickly inflamed again. The other day, he was yelling and told his brother to shut up, then kind of back-hand swatted me on his way out the door. I asked him to take a 10 minute break to cool down, and he absolutely refused. Later that night after my husband got home, we talked with him and decided to take away a privilege (video game time) as a result. Although we’ve tried to eliminate this kind of punishment completely, this is about the 5th instance of blatant disrespect we’ve seen from him to me in the last couple of weeks and we didn’t feel like we could simply just have another talk with him. Now that he’s older, I’m finding it more difficult to resolve conflict peacefully..Many of your ideas that work wonderfully with younger kids, feel patronizing to him now. Thank you for all your blogs and ideas…I love them!
Good for you for finding your way toward a more empathic kind of parenting. The transition is indeed hard, because our kids have gotten the message that emotions are bad and have therefore never learned to manage them. I hear how hard you are trying. Your eleven year old has stored up a lot of upsetting feelings. He needs some help to be courageous enough to “feel” them. You can’t blame him for not wanting to face them by himself in his own room, alone. All he does there is push them back down. If you went with him and sat with him and honored the fact that he is feeling upset — being sparing with your words and not overreacting to his attacks — I think you would see some real change. Good luck!
Just want to say I hear you on the disrespect thing. I have an 11-year-old boy and it is amazing how they transform from these sweet little boys to kids with major attitude. My son can seem like 2 different people sometimes. It is so hard to keep my cool when he gets defiant.
I have been reading this and many of your other articles and blogs with great interest. My son is 16 months old, and because I have to work full time (though I really wish our financial situation were different) he is in daycare. He really loves his teachers and the other kids, and other parents comment about how he is always so happy and friendly. But…he really hates to say goodbye in the morning. I explain to him that Mommy won’t leave until he’s ready. And most days he will eventually tell me when he is ready to say bye-bye, and I’m fine with building the extra 20 minutes into my morning if that is what it takes for him to have a happy good-bye. However, today (after nearly 30 minutes) he still didn’t want me to leave. He would play happily as long as I was close by, but if I so much as looked at the door he started bawling. I had to miss bed-time last night (worked late), and I suspect he was just missing his special mommy time, but it got to a point where I was already 10 minutes late and really couldn’t take any more time. What should I have done? I hate leaving when he’s sad, and I want him to understand that I will be there when he needs me. Is this just part of being a toddler? Anything else I can do when we’re at home to help prepare him for goodbyes? Thanks for any thoughts!!
Rae,
I work at a preschool. The first thing is that you should not sign up for something you can’t deliver. If you really can’t stay as long as your son needs you to, then don’t offer it! Offer only what you can really give. “I can stay for a little while, but I have to go to work soon and I’ll be back at pick-up time.” It’s good that you are able to see that the reason he didn’t settle today was because he didn’t get enough of you the night before. Simply acknowledge that, empathize. “I know we didn’t get our mommy time last night, but I still have to go now.”
The most important thing is to stick to your word. If you say you are going to leave, LEAVE even if he cries. Wait outside the door where he can’t see you and listen or call the school in 5 or 10 minutes and ask if he’s settled in. The teacher should help you with the separation transition and should call you if he’s unconsolable. Come to pick up when you say you will and don’t be late. Be noticeably early if anything. As long as you do what you say, he will trust that you will return as promised and therefore not be afraid of you leaving (and not coming back). If any little squeak keeps you from leaving, he’s going to squeak. If he can’t trust you to return as promised, he’ll be afraid.
I agree with LT. I work all day with kids. And it’s amazing how different they are from when we were growing up. It’s like the experts that say u don’t tell the kids no. I think this is crazy. There is a mom everyday when I take my kid to preschool that takes 15 min because she can’t say no to her kid. She lets him do what he wants walk and gives him options instead. It’s just crazy. People are Coddling these kids to much. It’s sad. I have amazing kids and they are great. They listen and when it’s time to take a shower they go. I don’t give them a option. It’s time to take a shower, let’s go. And theres no yelling.
Rae
U leave. U drop him off and go. My kids play that game some time. They know u wont leave so he will keep doing it . U walk in kiss him good by. U tell him u love him. Ill be back to get u this afternoon and leave. Once you do this for a while he will be fine. It’s crazy to spend 30 min there. It will keep happening if u don’t put a stop to it. He won’t love u any less.
My 19 month old daughter dislikes car rides. I have tried everything: books, toys, her favorite music, etc. She needs constant stimulation from me and Im afraid I will get into an accident! If I do not rub her feet, or play a game with her, etc. the ENTIRE time we are driving she cries and fusses. I know she is young, but I have even tried talking to her about her frustrated feelings. Nothing works and I sometimes end up getting past my point and yelling at her or even ignoring her because I just dont know what to do. Please help!
Jennifer,
I’ve been there. It’s not stimulation she needs but contact and reassurance – she needs to know you’re there when she can’t see & touch you. Have you tried one of those large mirrors so she can really see you? How about a piece of your own dirty clothes to cover her with your scent? I had to do those things as well as turn off the radio and sing or talk the entire trip. Even so, she seemed to feel trapped and separated and the ride was never pleasant. My daughter is 10 and still prefers one hand to rest on her while I drive.
A lovely article. I have been striving to move more and more toward this type of parenting, which is very different from the more distant, authoritarian way in which I was raised. Unfortunately, my oldest child received more of the authoritarian parenting than my younger two. My knee-jerk reaction is to speak with a very stern voice (my kids perceive it as yelling, even though I am speaking very quietly). I never actually “yell” and we don’t really “fight”. My issue now is that I have a 13year old daughter, an 8 year old daughter and a 19 month old son… The 13 year old doesn’t fight with me, she just doesn’t react at all! I’m not sure how to handle the non-action, and how to talk to her so that it gets thorough- do you have any suggestions?
Kathy-
It sounds like your 13 year old doesn’t react because she is disconnecting. If you can find ways to reconnect (which means doing a lot of listening), you will find that she will be more responsive. 90% of parenting is connection, because if they don’t feel connected, the other 10% (our guidance) can’t get through. Have you read Michael Riera’s book “Staying Connected to Your Teenager”? Highly recommend it. Good luck!
I am a single mother under an immense amount of stress and processing trauma with no resources and no breaks. I have been yelling at my kids in the last several months, even though I read the parenting books. They are toddlers. I really, really want to be a better parent. Is it too late? What pointers or tricks can I use to stop my tounge and not react out of anger, exhaustion and stress
? Can someone give me some good workable inner scripts ? I am really struggling and want more than anything to work towards a respectful and connected attachment an d relationship style with my children.
Hi Connie, I don’t have any answers for you, just wanted to say I get where you are coming from as I have similar issues.
Is there any possible way you can get some time alone? Processing trauma is a very tricky business and I don’t know how I’d go with no time to process without any other responsibility and professional support. I hope you get some regular time off soon. Do you see a therapist?
I’ve got two school-aged children and I’m only just starting to become the parent I want to be. I trip up all the time but little by little I’m getting better at not yelling. This article is fantastic help! Connie, it’s never too late!
Thanks to all for your wonderful comments and questions. Please keep them coming!
We wanted to let you know that The Mother Company will be hosting a live twitter chat with Dr. Laura Markham this Monday, the 11th, at 11amPST/2pmEST to answer your questions about yelling at our children. Please go to http://www.themotherco.com/stop-yelling-twitter-chat-with-dr-laura-markam/ for more information on how to join in on this discussion!
We really look forward to hearing from you.
HI there,
Is there a negative effect in forcing/ preventing a child from crying? Using firm control of that child’s emotions in a sense?
Thanks