EXPERT ADVICE:

When You Don’t Like Your Child

Posted By:

An interview with Jennifer Waldburger, MSW

It’s the ugly truth – sometimes our beloved children are incredibly unlikable. Often, this feeling passes. But for some of us, this dislike of our children remains long-term and can be very upsetting. While the situation might feel untenable, Jennifer Waldburger, LCSW says this agonizing feeling is potentially a gift. She shares some insight on how to open it. – TMC

How common is it for moms to feel they actually don’t like their child?

I think it’s important to distinguish between a passing feeling of not liking your child, and a feeling that is chronic.

Most moms who feel they don’t like their child are going through a developmental phase with a child who may be acting out, talking back, and defiant.  These phases can last weeks or even a couple of months, and they’re certainly no picnic.  It’s perfectly OK – and very common! – not to like your child’s mood and behavior, even though you love him underneath it all. There’s a big difference between “I don’t like what my child is doing” and “I don’t like my child” – the former is temporary and refers to behavior, whereas the latter goes well beyond a phase and indicates troubled dynamics in the parent-child relationship.

It’s hard to know how many moms fall into the category of a genuine dislike of their child, as such a situation is difficult to admit and talk about. That said, more moms are speaking up.

How do you recommend moms deal with the issue of the short-term disliking?

First, know that every child goes through these phases sooner or later, even the ones who seem so perfectly behaved on play dates or at school.  Most kids save up their strongest testing behavior for good ol’ mom and dad, in the privacy of home.  It’s actually a backhanded compliment – they feel safe enough with you to let their guard down and to unleash strong feelings of fear or anger they may be experiencing, as all young children do.

Sometimes the intense mood and behavior are related to changes that are temporarily rocking their world (new baby, new social dynamics at school), but sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint a root cause.  Kids may feel anxious as they’re maturing and becoming more independent from you; they may feel angry that they are no longer a baby but not yet a big kid, and they can’t find a foothold for their identity.  Often, kids will act cranky and defiant when they’re undergoing significant cognitive development, which of course you can’t see.  If your child’s behavior isn’t connected to a recent change in her external world, watch as she takes a big leap forward cognitively, emotionally or socially just after the difficult phase has passed.  Then the next time you’re going through a similar phase, you can remind yourself that it probably means she’s gearing up for an internal growth spurt.

Remember that every close relationship goes through ups and downs – periods where you feel more connected and those where you feel you’re on different pages, if not different planets.  It’s disconcerting when this happens with your child, because you’re supposed to love her unconditionally, no matter what.  When you go through a phase where you feel you don’t like her, you may panic:  Where did that heart-cracked-open feeling go?  Will it ever come back?  Don’t worry, your love is still there – it’s just harder to access when it feels like you’re on a battleground all the time.  As hard as it is, summon your deepest resolve not to engage in the battle; even if you’re the victor in a power struggle, it never feels good to “win.”  Take advantage of the many resources available these days – books, websites, workshops, private sessions – that offer guidance on positive discipline, parenting without power struggles, and teaching your child how to manage her feelings.  As you become more empowered with effective parenting strategies, you’ll find that she doesn’t push your buttons nearly as much.

For those moms who might be suffering from the more chronic version of not liking their child, how best to cope?

If your negative feelings toward your child are escalating to the point where you’re losing your temper regularly, or you still feel you don’t like him even after the difficult phase has passed, it’s time to take a deeper look at what’s going on.

If exploring these issues seems too overwhelming to do on your own, seek help from a professional who can help you pinpoint where you are stuck.  You don’t necessarily have to dig around endlessly in the past; it’s more about learning to honor and recognize your own feelings, which then helps you address what your own child is feeling (versus always reacting to what he is doing).  Once you’re no longer emotionally triggered by your child – which also means he’ll act out a lot less – the door opens to a whole new kind of relationship.

Any words of encouragement for moms going through this tough time?

When you’re in a difficult phase with your child, it can really wear you down, depleting your energy and spirit.  Acknowledging the truth of what you’re feeling – even if you’re wracked with guilt and shame for feeling it – is a good first step.  Make sure to take some time away from your child to refuel and just focus on you.  Talk to your spouse about how you can support each other through this challenging time, and lean on friends who are good listeners and won’t judge. And just remember, this too shall pass.

Jennifer Waldburger, MSW, is a regular contributor in our extraordinary stable of experts at The Mother Company.  She is co-founder of Sleepy Planet, a company that offers collaborative consultation, education, parenting groups, counseling, and products to parents of children birth to five years. She is co-creator of the book and DVD “The Sleepeasy Solution,” and also maintains a private practice as parenting consultant and educator.  Check out more of Jennifer’s helpful articles:  Tantrums, Testing, & Talking BackWhen You Don’t Like Your ChildNightmares, and In Search of the Holiday Spirit.

The Mother Company aims to support parents and their children, providing thought-provoking web content and products based in social and emotional learning for children ages 3-6. Check out the first episode of our DVD series, “Ruby’s Studio: The Feeling Show,” which helps children express their feelings. We want to be a parenting tool for you!

Posted in: Expert Advice, Learn, Modern Parenting, Tough Topics

Comments (7)

  1. dd

    I LOVE my son, ask me to run into a burning house to save him, and i’d already be in the house before you’d ask. Trouble is I don’t like interacting with him at all. I wager If there is a hell, It wouldn’t brimstone and fire, It would be a daycare with no tissue boxes or diapers. He’s 6 now. We’ve moved into a roughly comfortable habit of being in separate rooms most the day. He gets to do whatever he want’s and I get to avoid arguments with him. Trust me it’s better this way. Since most of our conversations end in “no”, “I’m busy” and “get out”. Thankfully we don’t argue as much as we used to. pretty much from day one i realized I was not good as a parent. I had a child mostly through peer-pressure and a bit of bad luck. I was overwhelmed from constant badgering, “when am i going to have grandchildren”, “You don’t know what your missing”, “Pretty soon you won’t be able to have children, then you’ll regret you didn’t”, etc. Several times I talked to my own parents about letting them adopt him. But of course I was all but told I was crazy, because I dare to say it. I just thought it would be better for him to be with grandma. I was afraid he would hate me if I wasn’t careful enough to hide my feelings about parenting. Again I love my son, It’s the parenting I absolutely abhor. It’s absurd to think every person wants to be a mother or father. Or that the transition from biological parent to mom and dad is flawless and sublime.

    Please, all the parents and grandparents out there, please don’t peer pressure or shame the younger generation into thinking they are somehow ‘incomplete’ without offspring. You may end up with a child who resents you for abusing your parental influence to garnish grandies, a true act of solipsism. A parents who is waiting patiently for college, if you know what I mean. Personally I can’t wait to see what world he conquers. :) Any world but my CD collection!

    As for me, I cringe when someone says to me “Enjoy them while they’re that small, they grow up so fast!” I know the response they expect, but all I can say is … GOOD!

    Now I’m off to take him to the park, so I can’t read in relative peace while he terrorizes the geese by the river. … At least he’s a hellion after my own heart. 😉 I do love him for that!

    For all those who say I’m terrible, how dare I, I shouldn’t even be a parent! I couldn’t agree more. I had sterilization. Still don’t regret it.

    Reply

    • Abbie

      Dear DD,
      You mention not liking parenting. You are describing a situation in which you are completely disconnected from your child. And it sounds as if you are very much alone in raising your boy. You are not alone and would benefit from seeking some support because without it, your troubles will get worse, not better. We suggest you talk to an understanding therapist. While you may not want to parent, you have to for the sake of your well-being and for your child’s. Your little guy needs to feel some love. And it sounds like you could use that too. We hope you look into it….as soon as possible.

      Reply

  2. Regina

    I am a mother of 6 children. 5 are grown now with children of their own, but my 6th child which is a teenager 16 is my worst nightmare come true all of the children have the same father all have been taught to respect their elders and themselves. My youngest child seems to feel she is above this and does what she wants when she wants to she has no respect for others even when she is disciplined she acts as if it is no big deal. she is constantly lying and stealing she has been suspened from school so many times for her violent and disrespectful behavior that she is now being placed on the AT list which means she will not be allowed to attend any public schools she is very mean and very very disrespectful amongst other things like being violent and bullying the younger children she has even started trying to fight with adults I have gotten her counseling and I have had her committed to a mental health facility for her behavior nothing seems to help. It has gotten to the point where I really don’t like my child and I often wonder what will become of her when she grows up she is 16 years old and as she gets older her behavior gets worse. I have sat down with her and tried talking to her I have tried showing her how her behavior is effecting others around her she just laughs it off and says how she doesnt care. No my child is not spoiled she recieves discipline by myself and her father nothing has worked in our favor it has gotten to the point where I have contacted the courts to try and give up our parental rights to her. I find myself becoming distant from her where i really want to have nothing to do with her. I called the pastor of our church out to our house to have her prayed over because I thought maybe she was ust born evil and we could release the demon inside of her but this is real life and the only demon inside my daughter is my daughter. I really want her out of my home and away from me I don’t like my child and it’s very hurtful to not want to be around her to not want to spend time with her. i don’t hate my child but I do feel a dislike for her that is very strong where I have thoughts of killing her even though I will never act on them it just bothers me that I have those thoughts about her I have even called the child protective services for help explaining this to them and they all keep telling me the same thing there is nothing they can do even with me telling them that my daughter is a danger to us and herself that at this rate I may be a danger to my daughter . She is the only child that has acted like this and we are at our end with her. I really dislike my daughter and these feelings are not going to go away as she gets older they are going to get worse because her behavior only gets worse. Somebody help me with this issue i don’t see a solution to this problem.

    Reply

  3. Moving Through Frustration

    […] helpful articles:  Tantrums, Testing, & Talking Back, Happiness Is An Inside Job, When You Don’t Like Your Child, Nightmares, and In Search of the Holiday […]

    Reply

  4. Msjujubean

    I am the product of a mother who couldn’t find anything about me she could like. She did have 8 other kids to focus on so it really didn’t cause her any concern. When she was upset, she beat me, when she was overwhelmed she forgot to make sure I was in the car before she left the store, when I was be abused she made me feel I brought it on myself. So my suggestion is if you don’t like your child, grow up and be an adult or keep your legs crossed. The number of damaged children in the world is staggering, the struggle to understand what you as a child could have possibly done to have your mother treat you and you alone so poorly is a life of living hell. I believe she was/is a selfish, self serving individual who could only accept what she perceived as perfection, anything less she acted was like an animal leaving a less than perfect offspring alone in the world to be eaten up by the circle of life. I have struggled my entire life with the effects of her childish behavior.

    Reply

    • Angela

      Sounds like you need quit feeling sorry for yourself and realize it’s not all about you.

      Reply

  5. Christina Simon

    What a fabulous piece! I think every mom has times when her child’s behavior is extremely challenging. And, the picture at the top of this piece says it all. I have noticed lately some moms at my kids’ school talking about their child in front of other parents in ways that suggest they might not have the child they want–or though they should have. It’s very odd to hear a parent talk about their child as if they still haven’t accepted him/her at age 8. Maybe they wanted a very athletic boy, but instead have a boy who loves to play with insects. It’s that sort of thing. When I’ve heard it happen, the entire room goes silent. Nobody knows what to say.

    Reply

Join the conversation! Leave a comment below...

Your name is required

A comment is required